A Penny for Lenny

Don't Know if This'll Ever Go Anywhere

2011-07-17T18:58:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if this'll go anywhere, but I've created a new flower/flower shop/flower delivery-centric blog, whose title is a play on the name of this blog. It's called A Peony for Lenny. A "Peony", get it? It sounds like "Penny", but it's different. It's actually fitting, because a Peony is a type of flower. See:

Anyway, I've got a few ideas for the new site, but whether or not I'll actually get off my lazy ass to implement them, that's a whole other question all together. Once again it's: A Peony for Lenny.

- Lenny

Not Sure Why

2011-07-17T18:20:00.000-07:00

Not sure why, but I just renewed the domain name for this site for another year. This, even though I haven't posted anything on here since Sept. of 2010. I guess I just couldn't let it go.

- Lenny

63 Dollars Lighter

2010-09-28T23:58:00.000-07:00

“There’s a Sucker born every minute” – David Hannum

“A Fool and his money are soon parted” – Thomas Tusser

Care to guess what happened to me today?

**********

A bit of exposition to start:

I help out at my mom’s flower shop in Sherman Oaks.
I don’t make any money working in the flower shop.
I’ve been unemployed for a little over a year and a half.
I’ve been living off my savings.
I spent a little over $1,100 on car repairs yesterday, and $500 on tires two days before that.

Everything that follows is completely true and authentic. The quotes, should I use any, are to the best of my recollection, if not exact, but are by no means embellished. Enjoy.

**********

It was a slow day in the flower shop today. I was there by myself. Around 3:30pm a man came in. He was visibly distraught. He told me he was a neighbor, that he lived just down the street, and that there was no reason for me to be afraid.

It was an odd thing to say, it was the middle of the day in Sherman Oaks. Afraid of what? I suspect given his attire (ratty, dingy clothes, he could have easily passed for a vagrant), his dentition (he was missing the majority of his lower front teeth) and the certainty that I wasn’t the first person he’d approached, he’d more than likely evoked that emotion in those that came before me. To me however, any person walking through the front door of the shop is a potential customer.

He then told me that he has AIDS, at which point he lifted up his shirt sleeve to show me his arm, which, as best as I can describe, was merely a skin wrapped humerus. No muscle, no fat. Just complete and utter atrophy. While it was quite sickly looking, I’m no doctor, so whether or not it was an actual result/condition/symptom of AIDS, or if it was due to some accident he had had, I couldn’t tell you. He reassured me that I didn’t have to worry, that I wouldn’t get AIDS from him.

He explained, in a manner that seemed as though he was teetering on the verge of tears, that no one else was home with him, not his mom, or his little sister, and he urgently needed to get to the Rite-Aid where he was going to have a prescription filled.

He continued, in ever growing detail, to let me know that he had rectal bleeding. He then turned around and lifted his shirt off the back of his shorts to show me the blood stain, that I (thankfully) didn’t actually see. He said that he had Medi-Cal and had something setup at Rite-Aid through AIDS Project Los Angeles to get an anal suppository to stop the bleeding, he gave me the pharmaceutical name, which was lost on me the moment he said it, but he still needed to come up with the co-pay. He even pulled out a pre-cut quarter page form of some sort (NOT a prescription slip, but similar in size) with his name (which I’m withholding…for the time being anyway), (what he claimed was) his Medi-Cal number, plus some various other information, to prove to me the legitimacy of his claims.

Apparently his father was driving up the 5 freeway to get to him, but he was still a ways out. According to my “neighbor”, his father told him to go into an office and see if someone would give him the money, and that as soon as dad got into the valley, he would gladly pay that person back.

He was pleading with me. Please, please, could I please just help him. I was gonna get the money back. He was gonna pay me back. I had nothing to worry about, he told me.

My “neighbor” needed $36 and some change.

**********

For the most part, I’m not a gullible person.

Nor am I a bleeding heart.

In fact, I generally dislike all but a select few.

But there I went, reaching for my wallet. I pulled out two twenties and handed them over to him.

He thanked me, grabbed a business card so he would know where to come back, shook my hand, and told me not to worry, that I would get my money back.

I was skeptical. Didn’t think I would see that money ever again. This is generally how much I think of my fellow man, not just this particular fellow. But I figured $40 was a small price to pay for a clear conscience, on the off chance that his story was legit.

**********

Cut to a short 15 minutes later, when my “neighbor” comes back in saying that he just spoke to his mom and that she’s real close by, almost there. Like a schmuck, I’m thinking, “wow, this guy was telling the truth, his mom is almost here, so he came back to return my money, and he’ll just have her pay for his medication.”

Notice the part where I said “like a schmuck.” I had gotten too far ahead of myself.

See, yes, he had spoken to his mother, but he was not there to reward my trusting and selfless gesture. Nope. Apparently, he had spoken to his mother who told him that they were giving him some different medication, cue a new pharmaceutical name that was again lost on me, and that he no longer needed $36 dollars, but that he would actually now be needing $66 dollars.

More pleading and promises as I explained to him that I didn’t think I had enough left to cover that. There was no fucking way I was gonna pull money out of the till. My own personal cash is one thing, but I wasn’t about to hurt my moms (already struggling) business to help out a guy who at this point I was near positive was scamming me. But still…

…I pulled out the wallet a second time. There were four bills inside. A twenty and three singles. That’s all I had left. That was every last dollar I had on me. I took it out and counted it. Twenty-three dollars. I showed him my now empty wallet as he kept pleading. “So I’ll only need three more dollars. That’s okay,” he said to me. I would get my money back he told me again. And I handed it over. It was now around 3:45pm.

Me and my empty wallet waited patiently for my “neighbor’s” mother, or father, or second cousin, or great uncle twice removed, to come replenish my coffers, perking up every time someone would walk by outside. Holding out hope that they were gonna be coming in the shop, thinking to myself, “oh, do you have my money? No. How about you?” I’m still unsure if any of these thoughts were involuntarily vocalized.

And then it happened, around 6:00pm, a well dressed black man (the “neighbor” was also black) with money in his hand walked into the flower shop. Bully for me! I had made the right decision by casting aside my overwhelming doubts and performing this good deed, and here it was, my reward, in the form of my money being returned to me!

“Hi. Can I get some quarters for the parking meter.” – Well Dressed Black Man

Figures. No good deed goes unpunished I guess.

Maybe my “neighbor’s” a Nigerian Prince.

An hour later I closed the shop for the day…

…63 Dollars lighter.

But yeah, I’m still the asshole cause I was three bucks short.

- Lenny

Oh, and if anyone actually reads this and chooses to leave a comment, no racist shit about the guy being black, because I’ve been scammed and robbed by white dudes as well.

Holden Caulfield’s A Whiny Little Bitch

2010-06-19T21:08:00.001-07:00

I was never much of a reader when I was younger. It was always such a pain for me in school. Then one day, a few, seven years ago, I was flying to Boston for a wedding and bought a book at an airport newsstand to read on the plane. Since then I’ve kept on reading pretty regularly.

I tended towards crime fiction and true crime books, but as I’ve become more of a reader, I begun to expand my horizons. I started to attack universally regarded classics. Fahrenheit 451 was the first of these. And I tell you, I couldn’t have pick a better first classic. I loved that book. I figured I was onto something here, so I went for another one – To Kill A Mockingbird. Wow! I was two for two. So far so good…but not for long.

I then decided to take The Catcher in the Rye for a spin. First a disclaimer – I’m only about 5 or 6 chapters in as of this writing.

Now I get that I’m 31 reading a book that was written from a 16 year-olds point of view. I also fully understand that it was published in 1951. But all that notwithstanding, so far all I’ve taken away from this is that Holden Caulfield is a whiny little bitch.

Don’t fret dear readers, I fully intend on finishing the book, but I just really wish I had some historical perspective to wrap my head around how this became a classic. I mean, are a few fucken profanities enough to make something popular? I guess in 1951 they were.

I’ll let you know if Holden’s nads drop as I continue reading on. Don’t be surprised if they don’t. With a name like “Holden” we can’t really expect too much.

- Lenny

Lenny, where you at?

2010-06-19T18:54:00.000-07:00

I had originally started writing this in October, but never finished it. Everything new I’ve added will be BOLD.

Damn. It’s been over a month since my last post.

Bad Lenny!

I know. I’m useless.

Why have I been m.i.a.?

A few different reasons, none of them from the happyjoy column - like I met a chick that’s sexually insatiable and I just haven’t had the energy to write. Yeah, not for any reason remotely resembling that. My reason’s:

My year and a half old Dell XPS M1530 laptop running Microsoft Vista keeps (current tense, not “kept”, as it’s still happening – YES, STILL) randomly fucken dying. I’ve seen more blue screens than your local weatherman.
The majority of my content, just by the nature of them, were my Jeopardy Clue of the Day posts. As much fun as I had doing those, many days, they would be the only content that I would post. And to be honest, that’s part of what intrigues me about having some daily on-going feature, so that even if I had nothing else to share/rant/observe, I would still have a fresh new post for people to read. But even in that feature’s beginnings, I feared this site becoming “that Jeopardy blog”. As such, I’ve decided to retire the COTD.
Also, around the time of my last post, Tarantino’s Inglorious Basterds was released. In the buzz and buildup for the movie, I was turned onto an artist by the name of Tyler Stout. His connection to IB? He was commissioned to create a limited edition Art Print Poster for the film. That poster (along with it’s variants) is truly a thing of beauty (pictures below – yeah, they were gonna be below, but I don’t feel like finding them on my hard drive. Just Google ‘em). When I look at true art/creativity, I become defeated, ashamed of the sophomoric ramblings contained in these pages.

Anyway, I’m sure there was a lot more to this posting, but come on, that was like 8 months ago. You expect me to remember? At any rate, I’m back. I can’t say if I'll be posting with any kind of regularity, but I will be posting.

- El Lennierino (if you’re not into the whole brevity thing)

Eight Years Ago Today…

2009-09-11T09:24:00.001-07:00

…unspeakable events took place.

I haven’t forgotten.

Have you?

Site Update 9/11/09

2009-09-11T09:07:00.001-07:00

So, if you’re a repeat visitor to this site, you’ll notice that I haven’t posted anything in a week. I can explain…the desktop publishing program I use to write these posts was giving me problems. I probably should have just tried restarting my computer, but I was determined to will it into working. Anyway, it’s working now, so I’ll be write more asinine ramblings soon. As for the Jeopardy Clue of the Day posts, I’ll probably just put all the ones I’ve missed the past few days into one post.

Hearts & Rainbows,
- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for September 4th

2009-09-05T04:26:00.001-07:00

Today’s Jeopardy (Tournament of Champions) Clue of the Day:

The $1200 clue from the Double Jeopardy round category TOUGH CAPITAL CITIES

“A FORMER SOVIET REPUBLIC: CHISINAU”

Answer:

“WHAT IS MOLDOVA?”

Zhe Muzarcountry! For real, there was no way this wasn’t going to be the COTD. Not only was I born in Moldova, but I was born in motherfucken Kishinev!!! Yes, Kishinev. I actually had to google that. Like “what the fuck is up with Jeopardy’s spelling”? But apparently this new “Chisinau” spelling is in vogue now. I’ve never been one to become attached to fads, so I’m sticking with the spelling I’ve known for low these many years.

- Lenny

Lenny Explains…A Sublime Lyric

2009-09-03T20:12:00.001-07:00

They were playing a song between periods at the ice rink not too long ago and it got me thinking.

Vitals

Band: Sublime

Album: Sublime

Song: Wrong Way

Lyric:

“A cigarette rests between her lips
but I’m staring at her tits
it’s the wrong way”

Explanation

Bradley makes his best attempts at eye contact, trying to make a deep emotional connection in this superficial/“why are you talking to me” society, but she’s got this thing, this cigarette, resting between her lips. Ick. What a hideously disgusting habit, and it’s hanging right there in his line of sight. It’s just so distracting.

Despite his deepest desire, he can’t keep the eye contact that he so desperately craves. The eye contact that could possibly unite them as one, but it would be rude to look away. And staring up at the ceiling would just be odd. So he does the next best thing…he points his eyes south of the distraction, so that at least he’s still looking at her.

And that my friends is why “it’s the wrong way”.

As is usually the case with most things in life, it’s the woman’s fault.

So there you have it.

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for September 3rd

2009-09-03T19:50:00.001-07:00

Today’s Jeopardy (Tournament of Champions) Clue of the Day:

The $400 (video) clue from the Jeopardy round category OMAHA BEACH

“HOURS BEFORE HIS TROOPS STORMED THESE SHORES, HE TOLD THEM “YOU ARE ABOUT TO EMBARK ON THE GREAT CRUSADE TOWARDS WHICH WE HAVE STRIVEN THESE MANY MONTHS””

Answer:

“WHO IS EISENHOWER?”

Yeah! Fuck yeah! Lets go kill us some nazis!!!

Bonus Jeopardy (Tournament of Champions) Clue of the Day:

The $600 clue from the Jeopardy round category MYTHS & LEGENDS

“OVID COINED THE NAME OF THIS GREEK GOD OF DREAMS AS AN ALLUSION TO THE FORMS SEEN IN DREAMS”

Answer:

“WHAT IS MORPHEUS?”

Morpheus? Morpheus! Oh those wily Wachowskis!

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for September 2nd

2009-09-03T01:37:00.001-07:00

Today’s Jeopardy (Tournament of Champions) Clue of the Day:

The $800 clue from the Double Jeopardy round category HOW’S YOUR LATIN?

“LITERALLY “RARE BIRD”, IT’S USED TODAY TO DESCRIBE SOMETHING VERY UNUSUAL”

Answer:

“WHAT IS RARA AVIS ?”

Used today? Used by who? I’ve never heard it used once. What snooty jackass goes around saying “rara avis”? '”My that coat of yours is so rara avis!” “That accent you have is remarkably rara avis.” “It’s so rara avis of you to be showing me your breasts when I haven’t even plied you with alcohol yet.” On second thought, maybe it’s not such a bad phrase.

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for September 1st

2009-09-02T03:49:00.000-07:00

Today’s Jeopardy (Tournament of Champions) Clue of the Day:

The $800 clue from the Jeopardy round category OTHER PLACES TO GAMBLE

“THIS ILLINOIS TOWN HAS A STATUE OF SUPERMAN AS WELL AS A CASINO”

Answer:

“WHAT IS METROPOLIS?”

There’s a town called Metropolis?!! Does it border Gotham City?? How am I only hearing about this now? I must move there – TODAY!

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for August 31st

2009-09-01T01:16:00.001-07:00

Today’s Jeopardy (Tournament of Champions) Clue of the Day:

The $1000 clue from the Jeopardy round category ALSO A VEGAS CASINO

“A COUPLE OF OWLS”

Answer:

“WHAT ARE HOOTERS?”

Few things in life take me back like this clue just has…

I once wrote something for 12th grade English class entitled “An Ode to Hooters: A Poem” (though I wasn’t talking about owls or casinos).

Then a year or so later, during my freshman year at CSUN, an MTV crew came to campus and was filming remotes for Loveline. I was filmed reciting my poem for Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew Pinsky, as well as their guest on the night it aired, the musician Poe.

That clip of me on Loveline was selected as a highlight for Talk Soup, hosted by John Henson at the time. (As a sidenote, I did some work in Henson’s house a few years back and recited the poem for him, but he didn’t remember it.)

According to a friend, this same clip was then chosen as one of the year’s best on Talk Soup’s year end blowout show. This last accolade I can’t say that I myself bore witness to, so I shall label it “alleged”.

Everything else I written here is complete truth. Aside from the few and far between locker-room recitations, the poem is, for all intents and purposes, retired.

Bonus Jeopardy (Tournament of Champions) Clue of the Day:

The $200 clue from the Jeopardy round category CHALLENGING THE BARTENDER

“BARKEEP, IF YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF A MOSCOW MULE YOU CAN PROBABLY STILL GUESS THIS IS ITS PRIMARY LIQUOR”

Answer:

“WHAT IS VODKA?”

Ah Vodka, she is a cruel mistress.

- Lenny

From IMDb (8/30/09)

2009-08-31T19:58:00.001-07:00

A recent headline from IMDb’s News wire:

Twilight Medic on Call to Help Hyperventilating Fans

From the story:

“Medics are on standby on the set of the Twilight movies, to help fans overcome by the sight of their idols.”

And later:

“We've met many different fans…the hyperventilators, who stop breathing and have to have a medic come…”

What? Why? Give these “fans” exactly what they want. Skip the medics, and just let them die! Darwin people, Darwin! If these people stop breathing out of excitement(?), are they really the kind of people we want as part of our society, breeding, populating the gene pool?
Well, are they?
No!
They are not.
Think about it, they’d be dying in the presence of their “idols”, in essence, dying in pure bliss. It would be the equivalent of me dying between a pair of sweet luscious bosoms (I have several dozen pairs of boobies in mind that I’d gladly die between, email me for names).
- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for August 29th

2009-08-30T20:19:00.001-07:00

Today’s Jeopardy Clue of the Day:

The $600 clue from the Jeopardy round category OFFICIAL STATE THINGS

“THIS FELINE WITH LONG, POINTED CANINES IS CALIFORNIA’S STATE FOSSIL”

Answer:

“WHAT IS THE SABERTOOTH TIGER?”

I’m sorry, “Official State Fossil”?!?! Really? Why? I mean, I get State Bird, State Flower, that type of shit, but a State Fossil? Where’s it gonna end? Is there an Official State Movie? An Official State Haircut? Official State Bubblegum? Whatever, I call dibs on Official State Asshole.

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for August 28th

2009-08-29T04:35:00.001-07:00

Today’s Jeopardy (Tournament of Champions) Clue of the Day:

The $400 clue from the Double Jeopardy round category BOOK REVIEW

“THIS JOYCE NOVEL IS ABOUT A TRIP TO A BATH, FUNERAL, LIBRARY, MATERNITY HOSPITAL & BROTHEL”

Answer:

“WHAT IS ULYSSES?”

I don’t know dick about Ulysses, but that shit sounds like a fucken party! Was The Hangover based on this? At least loosely?

Bonus Jeopardy (Tournament of Champions) Clue of the Day:

The $800 clue from the Double Jeopardy round category ROCKS & MINERALS

“KERNITE, A MAJOR SOURCE OF BORAX, IS NAMED FOR KERN COUNTY IN THIS CALIFORNIA DESERT WHERE IT IS MINED”

Answer:

“WHAT IS THE MOJAVE?”

Holy shit, did you just say a major source of Borat?! Niiiiice! No? Borax? With an “x”? Oh. Nevermind.

Bonus Bonus Jeopardy (Tournament of Champions) Clue of the Day:

The $800 clue from the Double Jeopardy round category MOVIE STUMPERS

“PEGGY WAS THE REAL NAME OF THIS 1950’s NON-HUMAN CO-STAR OF RONALD REAGAN”

Answer:

“WHO IS BONZO THE CHIMP?”

Talk about progress. From being a mere co-star of a future president to having a son hold that very position. Check out the family album here.

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for August 27th

2009-08-28T03:13:00.001-07:00

Today’s Jeopardy (Tournament of Champions) Clue of the Day:

The $200 clue from the Jeopardy round category LANDS O’ LAKES

“THIS HIGH SOUTH AMERICAN LAKE STRADDLES THE BORDER BETWEEN BOLIVIA & PERU”

Answer:

“WHAT IS LAKE TITICACA?”

Sometimes I go through the entire show unsure of which clue I’ll bestow COTD upon and end having to re-watch. Other times the clouds part and a ray of sunshine beams down, and I just know. Today was an example of the latter. A mere two minutes in and I was giggling like the immature schoolgirl that I am. Three cheers for juvenile humor!

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for August 26th

2009-08-28T02:50:00.001-07:00

My internet was down for the past day and a half. Anyway, here’s Wednesday’s clue…

Today’s Jeopardy (Tournament of Champions) Clue of the Day:

The $400 clue from the Jeopardy round category HELLO, NEWTON

“NEWTON MADE SOME OF HIS GREATEST DISCOVERIES WHILE CAMBRIDGE UNIVERSITY WAS CLOSED BECAUSE OF THIS IN 1665”

Answer:

“WHAT IS THE PLAGUE?”

The. Plague. The Plague!!! And you thought you had it rough in school. I’m gonna remember this one next time pops is feeling nostalgic about walking 5 miles…barefoot…uphill…in the snow, just to get to school. I’m sorry, did you have to contend with dodging the plague anywhere along your journey? Didn’t think so.

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for August 25th

2009-08-26T04:42:00.001-07:00

Today’s Jeopardy (Tournament of Champions) Clue of the Day:

The $400 clue from the Jeopardy round category THEY SHOULD HAVE PLAYED VEGAS

“AARGH! HE STUCK LONG LIT MATCHES UNDER HIS HAT TO FRAME HIS FAMOUS FACIAL HAIR IN FIRE; LET’S BOOK HIM AT TREASURE ISLAND”

Answer:

“WHO IS BLACKBEARD?”

That’s fucken Gangster (yes, with an “e-r”, I’m retro like that)! I mean talk about commitment to a persona – he risked burning his face off to simply look more ominous, so as to strike fear into the hearts of men. But I bet it was never even his intention to be looked upon as a big meany. Sometimes people just can’t get past outward appearances. He was probably just misunderstood. The thing is, there comes a point when you say “fuck it, everyone wants a big bad Blackbeard, well by golly, that’s what I’ll give ‘em! I just wanted to laugh and dance and play, but nooooo, Blackbeard’s mean and scary. Well fine then, I’ll show ‘em mean and scary. Just they wait and see.”

Bonus Jeopardy (Tournament of Champions) Clue of the Day:

The $400 clue from the Jeopardy round category TECHNO LUST

“THIS SEARCH SITE’S BROWSER CALLED CHROME HAS AN INCOGNITO MODE FOR ANONYMOUS SURFING”

Answer:

“WHAT IS GOOGLE?”

Dear Jeopardy,

Why must you be so coy? Don’t beat around the bush (heh heh), you’re not fooling anyone. People know exactly what you mean when you say “anonymous surfing”. Not that Google themselves are any better…“incognito”, yeah sure. They might as well have optimized this particular mode for one-handed browsing. And that incognito icon?! Are you kidding me? I’d rather allow potential access to my farm animal fetish porn browsing history than have to see that creepy-ass pedophile silhouette staring down at me from the upper-left hand corner of my screen.

Sincerely,

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for August 24th

2009-08-25T02:41:00.001-07:00

Today’s Jeopardy (Tournament of Champions) Clue of the Day:

The $1600 clue from the Double Jeopardy round category THE JOURNEY OF LIFE

“ELLIOT JAQUES COINED THIS TERM FOR WHEN ADULTS REALIZE THEIR TIME WILL RUN OUT (SO BETTER BUY A SPORTS CAR)”

Answer:

“WHAT IS MID-LIFE CRISIS?”

Okay, so I’ve got several issues with this particular clue. First, what if in their 20’s an adult realizes their time will run out, but then they live into their 80’s? It would be a quarter-life crisis, but you’re walking around like a jackass calling it “mid-life”. And that’s the other thing…nobody knows when their gonna die, so how can anyone coin such a time dependant/referential phrase? I know that most people regard mid-life as in a person’s 40’s, but between you and me, I honestly don’t see myself living past my 60’s. Which would mean that since I’m 31, I’m in the midst of my mid-life crisis. Too bad I can’t afford a damn sports car. Guess I’m fucked…wait, what are my other options? Bang a 20 year-old? Same problem as with the sports car, can’t afford one. I also can’t stand ‘em, but that’s neither here nor there. Oh well.

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for August 22nd

2009-08-23T01:38:00.001-07:00

Today’s Jeopardy Clue of the Day:

The $2000 clue from the Jeopardy round category 12-LETTER WORDS

“A WOMAN IN CHARGE OF AN ALL-GIRLS SCHOOL, OR PERHAPS THE TOP LADY IN A HAREM”

Answer:

“WHAT IS A HEADMISTRESS?”

A headmistress…do I even need to bother?

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for August 21st

2009-08-22T02:52:00.001-07:00

Today’s Jeopardy (College Championship) Clue of the Day:

The $200 clue from the Jeopardy round category SCINTILLATING SYLLABUS

“AT THE UNIV. OF WISCONSIN YOU CAN TAKE A COURSE ANALYZING THESE DAYTIME TV PROGRAMS”

Answer:

“WHAT ARE SOAP OPERAS?”

Now that my friends is what I call money well spent! I wonder if they offer post-graduate courses on The Price is Right?

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for August 20th

2009-08-21T02:36:00.001-07:00

Today’s Jeopardy (College Championship) Clue of the Day:

The $600 clue from the Jeopardy round category POP GOES THE CATEGORY

“HIS RETURN TO BICYCLE RACING TOOK A FALL WHEN HE FELL & WAS INJURED DURING A RACE IN MARCH 2009”

Answer:

“WHO IS LANCE ARMSTRONG?”

Fell on what? His one good testicle!? I think that if you’re walking around with only one nad, you should maybe take a little better care of it. Use a little more caution you know. Maybe don’t go anywhere without wearing the bottom half of a suit of armor. Or at the very least a cast-iron codpiece. Not cram it into a pair of shorts so tight they make an Asian nun’s vagina jealous, only to then be followed by repeatedly bouncing up and down on it in an apparent attempt to rupture it between his taint and a bike seat.

I don’t know, call me crazy.

What’s next? Is he gonna take the stage at a feminist rally and ask “what do you say to a woman with two black eyes”? If you don’t know the punchline to that, email me. I’ll respond right after I, merely as a precaution, slip into my titanium jock (not being facetious here either, I actually have a titanium jock).

Honestly, that motherfucker Lance Armstrong needs to be like Gollum and treat that nut like it’s his precious.

- Lenny

I’m Gonna Make Fun, But Secretly I’m Jealous

2009-08-20T12:30:00.001-07:00

You know what, I lied, I’m not gonna make fun. And I am jealous, but it’s no secret.

This is how we do’s it in Van Nuys, Ca, apparently pronounced “vænˈnaɪz” (in what language, pagan?!!).

What’s your stupid city have to brag about?

Eat your heart out Fairfield, Ohio and behold the majesty:

My apologies for the poor quality which was due to a combination of being a cameraphone photo and being shot through a filthy dirt-encrusted and bug-splattered windshield.

But still, don’t pretend you don’t want one of these for your car.

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for August August 19th

2009-08-20T02:19:00.001-07:00

Today’s Jeopardy (College Championship) Clue of the Day:

The $1200 clue from the Double Jeopardy round category WOMEN IN GOVERNMENT

“AT 42, SHE BECAME ALASKA’S YOUNGEST GOVERNOR; RECENTLY, AT 44, SHE BECAME A GRANDMOTHER”

Answer:

“WHO IS SARAH PALIN?”

Now, far be it for me to question the Jeopardy powers that be, but I feel like the clue is incomplete. Like there are a few words missing from the end, and that it should more like this –

“recently, at 44, she became a grandmother(-fucking imbecile)”.

And also, while her condition wasn’t brought to the national spotlight until recently, I’m fairly certain a case as advanced as hers developed and spread over a period of several decades. As for why her affliction was left untreated and allowed to enter into these late stages, that is beyond me.

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for August 18th

2009-08-18T21:49:00.001-07:00

Today’s Jeopardy (College Championship) Clue of the Day:

The $1000 clue from the Jeopardy round category WORLD COINS

“IN 2006 CANADA ISSUED A 25-CENT COIN DEPICTING A PINK RIBBON TO RAISE AWARENESS OF THIS DISEASE”

Answer:

“WHAT IS BREAST CANCER?”

The $200 clue had a coin shaped like a guitar, the $600 clue had a coin shaped like a heart, and the $800 clue was a pop-up coin of the Pope. So the obvious question being – are these coins anatomical? Do they have nipples? Are they hard? Is it because it’s chilly in here?

And what’s the deal with Jeopardy and Breast Cancer? Way to lighten the mood Trebeck!

Why did I leave out mention of the $400? Well, the $400 clue showcased Italy’s trouble with…you know what, fuck it, here:

Bonus Jeopardy (College Championship) Clue of the Day:

The $400 clue from the Jeopardy round category WORLD COINS

“A MAP OF EUROPE ON THIS COUNTRY’S 1997 1,000-LIRE COIN HAD SUCH ERRORS AS DEPICTING DENMARK AS PART OF GERMANY”

Answer:

“WHAT IS ITALY?”

I guess we can add another thing to the list of things I know about Italy – they’re stupid.

- Lenny

Ninja Cheerleaders! Yes, I said Ninja…Cheerleaders!

2009-08-18T11:03:00.000-07:00

Incredibly Awesome?

Ninjas? Super Crazy Awesome!

Cheerleaders? Yummy Tasty Yes Please!

Ninjas and Cheerleaders? Quite possibly just about the Best Thing Ever!

Okay, so then what about Ninja Cheerleaders? Surprisingly, not so great.

Okay, well then how about Ninja Cheerleader Strippers? HA!

Ha?

Ha I said! More on this later…

So…

I knew nothing of this movie going in. I was merely flipping through the onscreen guide, saw that title, and couldn’t hit the “record” button fast enough. Luckily(?) the movie hadn’t started yet.

What we should have had with Ninja Cheerleaders (not to be confused with Cheerleader Ninjas), actually, let me rephrase that…what I was hoping we would have had with Ninja Cheerleaders, was something on par with the campy tongue in cheek greatness of Rodriguez & Tarantino’s Grindhouse (Planet Terror & Death Proof).

Instead what we have here is a case where the whole is lesser than the sum of it’s parts.

Want to touch the heinie?

Ninja Cheerleaders stars a Real World slut (but which one? There are so many…) by the name of Trishellle Cannatella, who makes my ears bleed when she Yippee-Ki-Yay’s. You hear me? She Yippee. Ki. Yay’s. The blasphemer!

Trishelle plays Courtney. Courtney is supposed be a barely legal Co-Ed. The other two tarts that put the “s” in Cheerleaders (to make it plural, cause there are 3 of them, gosh), April and Monica, are introduced as 18-year-olds. So to account for the clearly-pushing-30 Trishelle in the role, they age Courtney up a bit, making her 19 (A producers job never ends I tells ya! You gotta ABT. Always be tlosing? No silly, you gotta always be thinking.), and by definition, sophisticated and worldly. Thus, her favorite band is the L.A. Philharmonic, in contrast to her fellow ninja Clanmate’s favorites – the Killers and the Strokes.

Speaking of April and Monica, they are played by Ginny Weirick and Maitland McConnell, respectively. April is the no-nonsense worrywart stick in the mud and Monica is the flirty, bubbly dreamer.

I must confess something here. I’ve got a little crush on Maitland, who seems to be the only one of the three leads that understands what movie she’s in and rolls with it. She’s also the only one here with any concept of timing and delivery. Oh, and did I mention, she’s cute as a button to boot, with a smile that’ll make you melt! See for yourselves:

And one more, just because:

Swiss cheese?

There’s the saying, “a plot hole so big you could drive a truck through it”. Ninja Cheerleaders should be so lucky. The holes it suffers from aren’t merely in the plot, but in the very fabric of logic.

The movie opens with the girls in full ninja garb infiltrating an Army Base to steal a ninja sword from the on-base museum. Yes, you read that right, the on-base museum. Again, to clarify, this wasn’t a military museum open to the public, this was a museum…on an Army Base, and presumably strictly for the soldiers. Not a storage warehouse where they’ve hidden away the Ark of the Covenant, but a look-but-don’t-touch museum…that displays ninja swords. Nice to see we’re off to such a strong start.

After they’ve stolen the sword and replaced it with an imposter, they proceed to seemingly take out the entire 1st Infantry Division. Umm, hello, they’re ninjas! They’re supposed to use stealth and cunning to achieve their objective, which was to get the sword! Beating up the Army serves no purpose but to call attention to themselves and let it be known that they were there. They actually sneak up behind the soldiers and initiate the attack! If they needed to do this to get to the sword in the first place, that’s one thing, but do it just to do it? What the fuck is that shit!?!! It’s things like this that make me wonder if writer/director David Presley had ever seen a single ninja movie prior to making Ninja Cheerleaders. For Shame!

After the sword theft, we cut to the girls in their sensei Hiroshi’s dojo. Hiroshi is played by, wait for it…George Takei. Why he’s slumming it here is beyond me. Maybe, like me, he saw that title and believed in his heart of hearts that this was destined for greatness, but instead needed a quadruple bypass upon seeing the final product (see, it came full circle, “quadruple bypass” linked us back to “heart of hearts” – who takes care of you like I do?).

Hiroshi congratulates them on completing their final task of stealing the sword and officially pronounces them ninjas, saying:

“I am proud of you. The sword of our Order has been returned. It has been a long road…and it has taken you many years. Returning the sword was your final test. The Order has accepted you.”

There are oh-so-many problems I have with that mini speech of his…

“It has taken you many years.” Really? Many years? Many, years? They are 18, 18, & 19. How many years did it take them exactly? No wait, let me guess, the three white girls were born into it! Did they start their ninja training in the womb?

And better yet, where is the rest of their Order? Shouldn’t they be surrounding the newest members as they are sworn in? And if there is this whole Order, how come none of them ever went after the sword? But more about the Order a little later on.

So getting the sword back is a big deal, huh? A long, arduous task. One of high risk, but even higher reward, culminating with an acceptance to an ancient and secret fighting clan. I don’t know about you, but that sounds like a fucken kickass storyline to me. I guess maybe that’s why I’m never gonna get anywhere in life.

Instead of the indubitable awesomeness that could have been, we’re burdened with a half-thought, convoluted mess of a plot, chock full of contrived scenario after contrived scenario. The basic outline goes like this:

Three Junior College Cheerleaders train with a sensei to become ninjas
They’re also studying for finals with the hopes of transferring to an Ivy League school
In order to be able to afford this new transfer school they make money on the side stripping
Luckily, there’s a huge dance-off coming up, which if they win, will put their college fund over the top
Once their college fund is over the top, they can stop stripping, because they’re honorable and only did it for the cash
Their sensei is kidnapped and they must rescue him while outwitting a nosy cop
The kidnappers also stole their college money
The deadline for our cheerleader ninjas to rescue their sensei is the same day as their last final, which also happens to be the same day as the big strip competition
Spoiler…
Spoiler…
Spoiler…
Spoiler…
Spoiler…
Spoiler…
Spoiler…
Spoiler…
Spoiler…
Spoiler…
They ace their finals, rescue their sensei, get their money back, and win the competition! Hooray!!

Some of the guffaws in more detail:

Ninja sensei Hiroshi’s dojo should be restricted to members of the Order, as would only be logical. Instead we get as a first time walk-in, Milli, or is it Vanilli, whichever one is still alive, doing his best to channel William Zabka in The Karate Kid while sparring with April. I wonder how this ends?

All three girls are geniuses with perfect gpa’s? Granted, this is at Junior College, but somehow, they all get into Brown. I mean sure, they look smart:

I don’t know, I never went to Brown, but I guess their admission standards are pretty lax. I’ll stick with my State School degree, thank you very much!

Oh, and I guess in this economy, senseiing just ain’t paying the bills, because Hiroshi has to moonlight. Luckily, he was able to find the only other profession imaginable that actually equals the level of pride and nobility one holds as a ninja sensei. Hiroshi’s second job? Club owner of the “STRIP PALACE”.

Which brings us back to what I mentioned earlier about Ninja Cheerleader Strippers. Yep, our “proud” sensei has his star ninja pupil’s “stripping” in his club. See those quotation marks around “stripping”, that’s because they never strip! As April tells it – “I’m not a stripper, I’m a Go Go Dancer”. Except, you know, for the fact that you work at a place called the STRIP PALACE!!!

Another scenario has a handful of Navy Gilligan’s in full regalia attempt gang-rape on our heroines only to get their poopdecks handed to them.

And why does a ninja sensei need a big scary black man for a bouncer? Was this an affirmative action thing? Why not just get another member of the Order to do it? Or one of your students? Or all of your students. Call it a part of their training and you don’t even need to pay them!

Speaking of which, if there’s a whole Order of ninjas, how come only the three newest, and by extension, least experienced members of the Order go out to rescue him? And forget about newest for a minute, how come only three ninjas were dispatched to rescue an abducted sensei? Cause that makes perfect sense.

And while we’re on the subject, how was Hiroshi able to get kidnapped? Did he let it happen as another test for his three ladies, to see if they could actually save him? Or is this a case of “those who can, do, and those who can’t, teach”?

Oh, and do you know who he was kidnapped by? The mafia, naturally. They wouldn’t be doing their due diligence if they hadn’t stuffed this movie with every recognizable caricature they could think of. Including the cop that keeps being outsmarted by three teenagers.

Where did it all go so wrong?

See all of the above, plus…

The production value? I seen better quality on YouTube. Was the cinematographer color blind? Or possibly even blind blind? And my god, the transitions!! Random topless broads caressing a pole, ninjas doing their most ninja-y (ninjaly(?), ninjy(?), ninjary (?)) poses, pom-pom waving cheerleaders or any combination thereof, serve as buffers between scenes. You remember the Simpsons episode where Homer makes a dating video for Ned and every 4 seconds there’s a star wipe? Well, it’s exactly like that, except with ninjas, tits, and pom-poms, but I assure you, it is no less pedestrian.

Also, I’ve known several strippers in my day, er, I mean, I have a friend who’s known several strippers in his day, and not a single one has ever danced under her real name. So when they introduce our titular characters onstage, it’s not as Charity, Aurora, and Magnificent, but as Courtney, April, and Monica. So not only has Presley never seen American Ninja, but he’s also never been to the Titty Twister (2nd Tarantino/Rodriguez shoutout tonight, what am I blowing them?!?!!)? Seriously, this guy has no business coming anywhere near a genre movie, let alone writing and directing one.

Then there was ear bleed moment #2, courtesy of April – “It’s a ninja thing.”

Oh and the pervy cheerleading coach who could have only been more stereotypical if they had made him a her, and a lesbian, and butch.

Oh, and oh! The autistic evil lady ninja working for the mob…always referring to herself in the third person – Kinji! Think an Asian female version of South Park’s Timmy, subtract the wheelchair and you’re not far off.

At this point, I’ve written over 1850 words about Ninja Cheerleaders, when only four were needed – This Movie’s Fucken Lame. But I feel I would be doing all of you a disservice if I didn’t cover one last important aspect. Perhaps even the most important aspect. Titties! I said tit-tays!

An intrinsic part of any movie like Ninja Cheerleaders are bare naked flopping free breasts, nipples and all. I really am dumbfounded that in a movie called Ninja Cheerleaders, where our three protagonists are not only cheerleaders, but strippers as well, we never so much as get side boob from them. This disgusts me. Things like this set genre movies back nine decades. Why not just have them dressed like this the whole time:

As a rule of thumb, tit’s always, always, always, make a movie better. For instance, I love The Goonies, it’s without a doubt one of my absolute favorite movies, but you know what, it would have been exponentially better had Kerri exposed her Greens. So when a movie is essentially built to showcase tits, this rule is especially true.

We had a scene where these three are studying…in bed! In bed? In bed I said! And yet there is nary a tickle nor pillow fight. No truth or dare. No experimentation of any kind. But why the fuck not? I’m sure that slut Trishelle would have gladly dropped her top, as she’s done it before (things haven’t started sagging already, have they?). So are you telling me the other two refused? They were cast in a movie called Ninja Cheerleaders for Pete’s sake! What were they expecting, Shakespeare? But a better question is why cast leads in Ninja Cheerleaders that refuse to disrobe? Please don’t tell me it’s because they were the best ones at the audition…I shudder to think what the rest of the hopefuls were like if these were the cream of the crop.

Not that having the three cheerleaders lezzin’ out would have saved this movie, but that’s all the more reason to have put it in – as penance for forcing us to sit through this schlock.

To be fair, there was a 4-6 second scene with two random topless broads, but this was far too little, too late.

Anyway…

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for August 17th

2009-08-18T05:11:00.001-07:00

Today’s Jeopardy (College Championship) Clue of the Day:

The $200 clue from the Jeopardy round category SWEET STUFF

“JOSEF DELAROSE LASCAUX INTRODUCED THIS CONFECTION, AKA SPUN SUGAR, AT HIS DENTAL PRACTICE”

Answer:

“WHAT IS COTTON CANDY?”

Oh sure, you know Josef, he has that brother, Gustav, with the tire shop that invented the spike strip. And I believe they’re related to Helga, a second cousin on their mothers side. Helga, she’s the divorce lawyer who popularized prostitution.

Bonus Jeopardy (College Championship) Clue of the Day:

From the Final Jeopardy round category WORD ORIGINS

“BEFORE ITS USE IN JOURNALISM, IT MEANT A BOUNDARY BEYOND WHICH STRAYING PRISONERS WOULD BE SHOT”

Answer:

“WHAT IS A DEADLINE?”

Maybe I’m being nitpicky here, but wouldn’t it have been easier to simply, oh, I don’t know, put up a fence?

On second thought, simpler yes, but probably nowhere near as entertaining.

- Lenny

True Story

2009-08-17T09:36:00.000-07:00

I met a girl.

She made a promise.

A day went by.

I emailed her this:

“Emma”, I've got this short story see, but I can't quite figure out how it
ends.

Here's how it goes:

Boy meets girl at party
Girl jokes that her rump is a moneymaker
Boy makes girl prove it
Girl does
Boy is impressed
Girl takes an immediate liking to boy
Boy makes a random pop culture reference to a 1980's icon of female
empowerment
Girl's face brightens as she claims a love for the aforementioned icon
Boy is pleased with himself
Girl goes on to further admit she dressed as said icon for Halloween a mere
two years hence
Boy is intrigued
Girl had hoped he would be
Boy requests email verification in pictural form
Girl gets her phone
Boy gives her his email address
Girl promises to send photos
Boy leaves party having made a new (yet to be determined)
Girl is sad to see boy leave
Boy's inbox is lonely
Girl...

That's all I got. Any idea what happens next?

- Lenny

This happened a little while ago, but I never heard back from her.

Go figure.

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for August 15th

2009-08-16T19:01:00.001-07:00

Today’s show was jam packed with worthy candidates. That’s part of the reason I didn’t get this post up any earlier. I hate that I had to narrow it down to just one, but I think this clue is truly deserving to the honor.

Today’s Jeopardy Clue of the Day:

The $1200 clue from the Double Jeopardy round category SIX FEET UNDER

“NEW ENGLANDER WHOSE EPITAPH, “I HAD A LOVER’S QUARREL WITH THE WORLD”, IS FROM HIS POEM “THE LESSON FOR TODAY””

Answer:

“WHO IS ROBERT FROST?”

Wow. They had a category in the first round that was all about quotes, the answers being the names of the persons who said them. I gotta say though, this quote - “I had a lover’s quarrel with the world”, blows all of those away. But not only is it a wonderful line, but it is one I can really relate to. Nothing witty, comical, or insightful to say here, just that I can relate to those particular words.

Oh and what the hell, since I didn’t really give you much with that last one…

Bonus Jeopardy Clue of the Day:

The $800 clue from the Double Jeopardy round category “BIG” LOVE

“ROOSEVELTIAN PARTNER OF “SPEAK SOFTLY””

Answer:

“WHAT IS BIG STICK?”

I got yer big stick right ‘ere!

Sorry, I had to. I couldn’t help myself.

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for August 14th

2009-08-15T01:51:00.001-07:00

Today’s Jeopardy (College Championship) Clue of the Day:

The $600 clue from the Jeopardy round category MOVIES & TV

“OF HIS DIALOGUE, THIS HAN SOLO ACTOR SAID, “YOU CAN TYPE THIS (STUFF), GEORGE, BUT YOU SURE CAN’T SAY IT””

Answer:

“WHO IS HARRISON FORD?”

Oh really Harrison? Big tough guy, huh? But where was all this righteous indignation when Lucas handed you the script for Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. The miserable steaming pile that turned out to be.

- Lenny

Lenny Vs. A Gift Horse

2009-08-14T17:16:00.001-07:00

So last night I met up with my cousin “Glen” and his soon-to-be “Jen” (not their real names), at Islands in Encino. They got there before me, and almost as soon as I sat down “Jen” pulled out her iPhone and started pecking away at it. All the following quotes in this write-up are as close to exact as I could remember, but even in the parts where I paraphrased, the gist is still the same.

“Jen”:

“Oh, here, I wanted to show you something. Hopefully it’s working because I couldn’t get in earlier”

“Glen”:

“What do you want to show him?”

“Jen”:

“His favorite thing.”

Me:

“Big fat tits?”

“Glen”:

“Wow, really? That’s your favorite thing?”

Me:

“That actually surprises you?”

“Jen”:

“Okay, your second favorite thing.”

A look of puzzlement blankets “Glen’s” face.

Me:

“Pumas!”

“Jen”:

“Yep.”

“Glen”:

“So those are your two favorite things? In that order?”

Me:

“Yeah, and my third favorite is tri-tip.”

“Glen”:

“So tits are your number one favorite thing? Interesting.”

Me :

“Actually, I said big fat tits are my favorite thing…But you know what, I take that back, if a girl is offering, I’ll take ‘em any size I can get ‘em. Who am I to look a gift tit in the nipple?”

“Glen” & “Jen” in unison:

“Huh, what?”

Me:

“I won’t look a gift tit in the nipple”.

“Glen”:

“I don’t get it.”

“Jen”:

“Yeah, me neither.”

Me (exasperated):

“You’ve never heard the phrase ‘don’t look a gift horse in the mouth’?!”

“Glen” & “Jen”:

“No. Never.”

I was flabbergasted, astonished, bewildered even.

And right at the moment, as if on cue, our waitress Gemmika (her real name. Though I might not be spelling it right, it’s phonetically correct. Go see her and tip big, she was a sweetheart) came over.

Me:

“Hi, excuse me, I’m sorry, but have you ever heard the phrase ‘don’t look a gift horse in the mouth’?”

Gemmika (somewhat afraid, because apparently that’s the emotion I provoke in good-looking women):

“Umm, no. Sorry.”

My world was spinning off it’s axis! Did I make the phrase up? Did it really not exist? How can nobody have heard of it?

It’s like I was living in some Bizzaro World!

But no! I wasn’t crazy, I knew what I knew. And I knew I was right.

Gemmika was maybe 19, 22 at the oldest, so that’s her excuse.

But “Glen” & “Jen”? “Glen” will be 32 in January. “Jen” will be 30(?) in December. They’ve both had enough years on this earth to pick up this uber-common phrase. There’s no excuse for them.

Gemmika took our order and left.

“Jen”:

“So don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, but what does that even mean?”

“Glen”:

“Yeah.”

I began:

“When someone gifts you a horse, as in gives you the gift of a horse, gives you a free horse…”

“Jen”:

“Oh, I thought you said a gifted horse.”

“Glen”:

“Yeah, that’s what I thought you said too.”

Me:

“No, not a gifted horse! This isn’t a horse with a high IQ. This isn’t a horse that got a perfect score on it’s SAT’s. This isn’t a horse that’s a member of Mensa. It’s a gift horse. A gift. Horse.”

“Glen” & “Jen”:

“Oh, okay, so what does it mean?”

I explained it to them much as it is explained here:

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/don't_look_a_gift_horse_in_the_mouth

And here:

http://www.usingenglish.com/reference/idioms/don't+look+a+gift+horse+in+the+mouth.html

This origin of the phrase:

http://www.trivia-library.com/b/origins-of-sayings-dont-look-a-gift-horse-in-the-mouth.htm

…backs up my proclamations to “Glen” & “Jen” that “the phrase has been around for ages!”

“Glen”:

“Okay, so what did you say again about a nipple?”

Do you see what I’m dealing with here folks?

I repeated:

“I won’t look a gift tit in the nipple.”

“Glen” grinned:

“Meaning you’ll take any tit that’s offered to you.”

Me:

“Correct.”

“Jen”:

“See, that makes sense.”

Then “Jen” called her friend to see if the friend had ever heard the phrase. She had.

“Glen” refused to call any of his friends, for fear of looking stupid in front of them. It’s always gotta be a pissing contest with this guy I tell ya.

When Gemmika came back with the appetizers she informed us that she asked her co-worker about it. The co-worker was (thankfully) familiar with the phrase, and had explained it her.

As a quick side note, all the damn waitresses at every Islands I’ve ever been to are crazy attractive. I’ll even go so far as to say that the Islands waitresses put the Hooters girls to shame. Granted Hooters takes the title in the “slut” department, but Islands beats them in the “probably won’t give me syphilis” category, hands down.

So I was proven right by “Jen’s” friend and by Gemmika’s co-worker, though that didn’t stop me from having to answer the question “why a gift horse and not a gift cow”. But despite that, it was good to be me…what can I say, it’s these small victories that get me through each day.

But the real cherry on top…would have been getting Gemmika’s phone number, but we knew before we even began that that was never gonna happen…no, the real cherry on top? I come home and sit down to watch an episode of Royal Pains, during which I’m treated to this bit of dialogue:

“Welcome to the world Jill. In my experience, first rule of charity work – never stare a funding source in the mouth.”

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for August 13th

2009-08-14T01:51:00.001-07:00

Today’s Jeopardy (College Championship) Clue of the Day:

The $1000 clue from the Jeopardy round category “BACK” TO SCHOOL

“SECRET DIPLOMATIC NEGOTIATIONS ARE SAID TO GO THROUGH THIS”

Answer:

“WHAT IS THE BACKDOOR?”

That’s it, from this day forth I shall always refer to anal as “Secret Diplomatic Negotiations”! Maybe if I had been calling it “Secret Diplomatic Negotiations” all along, my friend “Yolanda” wouldn’t have felt I was being disrespectful. I shall test out this theory and possibly report back.

Bonus Jeopardy (College Championship) Clue of the Day:

The $200 clue from the same Jeopardy round category “BACK” TO SCHOOL

“SADDLELESS HORSE RIDING”

Answer:

“WHAT IS BAREBACK?”

Bareback?! Fuck that! I don’t know where she’s been.

But seriously, I think we’ve got ourselves a perv working over at Jeopardy. Or is it just me?

- Lenny

douche’d: Break.com – A Douche Bag’s Guide to Relationships

2009-08-13T13:19:00.001-07:00

I hate douche bags. Their antics tend to make it a lot harder for the rest of us guys to touch a boob.

So as public service, when I come across something that smells of vinegar, I will be calling it out here in the pages of APFL in a new column called “douche’d”. Welcome to the first installment.

As a disclaimer, I don’t know how many, if any, of these videos are staged and are done with the girls cooperation. Several of the guys and girls in these look similar, and very well may be the same people, but I didn’t bother looking into usernames, or reading the comments, etc. At any rate, all the videos look like they could be authentic, and even if they’re not, the very fact that these guys think this shit is funny speaks volumes.

But before I get to the heart of it, I’d like to show you what sparked my need to write about these Break.com videos. I’m not sure what brought me to Break this visit, but when I saw “Hot Girl T-Shirt prank”, I naturally had to click on it. This is what I got:

Hot Girl T-Shirt Prank - Watch more Funny Videos

So this particular D-bag thinks it’s funny to dump a tub of water on his girl, and then replay it in slo-mo, cause he thinks he’s just that clever. The worst part is his asinine taunts as she proceeds with the yard work after being drenched.

Break.com has a “related videos” section and thusly, “Hot Girl T-Shirt Prank” brought up other pranks. At that point I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, not only do these “pranks” exist, but there are so many of them.

Granted, some of these are decidedly tamer than the worst of them, but a douche is a douche is a douche is a douche…

This next one is similar to the first, but it’s based on a non douche prank, so I’m putting it up along with it’s inspiration as a matter of comparison. The douche prank:

Hot Chick Pranked By Boyfriend - Watch more Funny Videos

Care to venture what the “D.” in Johnny D. stands for? Her “why” at the end is tragic. Sweetie, nobody knows what motivates a douche, much like cancer, they just are.

And now a video of what this prank was trying to emulate. I don’t feel that this prank in and of itself is douchey, unless of course you’re of the mindset that any and all pranks are chapter one in the D-bag handbook. For me, the douche factor of a prank is in direct correlation to it’s mean-spiritedness, and trust me, I’ve got some crazy ugly mean “pranks” to show you. But first, the prank I deem douche-free:

Hot chick tricked with the funnel prank - Watch more Funny Videos

See? Not so bad. Kinda funny even, unlike the one before it. And just for a better understanding of pranks I deem acceptable, I give you this:

Husband Pranks his Wife - Watch more Pranks

Quite possibly the only time in my life you’ll see me siding with a gun-lovin’ redneck.

But now back to the douches…This next one is in the same family as the first two. The sad part is, this guy was oh-so-close to skipping this list, until, well, watch for yourself and see if you can guess the point where he puts himself on the list:

Magic Trick With A Twist... - Watch more Funny Videos

Did you see it? Yeah, this would have been funny, cute even, right up until he tosses the water in her face. That was simply uncalled for. But again, when you’re dealing with douches there is no such thing as uncalled for.

But before we get too far ahead of ourselves, I present to you a couple of DIT’s (douches in training). Their “pranks” are far too idiotic to run with the big dogs, but they merit a call out nonetheless. First we have Skidmarks:

Guy pulls prank on cute girlfriend - Watch more Funny Videos

And here’s Uncle Ben:

How to wake up your girlfriend - Watch more Funny Videos

Now back to what those last two are soon to become, we have a guy possibly auditioning for the circus:

Girlfriend is not Amused - Watch more Funny Videos

Beat that ass sweetheart! Fucken whoop him with that belt!

This next circus hopeful is apparently paying his girl back for a clearly staged stunt. First the payback:

Guy Gets Revenge on Girlfriend for Headache - Watch more Funny Videos

And now the supposed (fake) reason for it:

Cute Girlfriend Gives Good Head...ache - Watch more Funny Videos

Anyone else find it convenient that there was a camera setup and recording, and that this dude spends 22 seconds reading the back of a Kix box before getting hit. Either he’s mildly retarded, or he was sitting there patiently waiting for something to happen. Your guess is as good as mine.

It seems though, that one time was not enough by way of payback, because he fucken does it again:

Guy Spanks Girl and Shoves Pie in Her Face - Watch more Funny Videos

“Hot Girl Gets Dog Leashed” – I feel that time, as in “too much free” is the douche’s greatest asset, allowing one to conceive a “prank” such as this:

Hot Girl Gets Dog Leashed - Watch more Pranks

It takes a special kind of D-bag to enlist a friend (do douches have friends, or just people who can tolerate them?) in a “prank”.

I hope you’ve noticed that these video’s have been getting gradually worse. I have done this on purpose as I feel it necessary to ease your way into the crème de la crème, or douche de la douche as the case may be. With that, I bring you “Milk Explosion”:

Milk Explosion - Watch more Pranks

Get her back for what? Using poor judgment in selecting a mate? That’ll show ‘er! Sadly, it probably won’t.

This next one would fit in right here in my scale of douche, however, if it’s true that it’s payback for a nutshot, then I think she got off pretty easy:

Sunbathing Chick Gets Ashed By Boyfriend - Watch more Funny Videos

Again, payback for nutshot = not harsh enough, done just because = douche.

With these last four videos I have to share with you I will keep my commentary to a minimum and let the douches speak for themselves. Sadly these are ascending (descending?) until we get to the absolute worst one. First:

Bikini Girl Pancake Prank - Watch more Pranks

That’s right, there are three “pranks” worse than this.

Boyfriend Pranks Chick With Eyebrow Makeover - Watch more Funny Videos

You love her? I’m sure that lady that drowned her five kids in the bathtub loved them too.

Super Douche runner-up:

Dickhead Pranks His Girlfriend - Watch more Pranks

That last video is titled “Dickhead Pranks His Girlfriend” and how justly titled it is. And yet, that still wasn’t the worst of the bunch.

The honor of Supreme Ultimate Douche goes to this guy:

Girlfriend Nailed with Disgusting Concoction - Watch more Funny Videos

I don’t know if this was staged, meaning, if he actually only threw chocolate on her instead of dog shit, if it was chocolate, he still makes this list, but the Supreme Ultimate Douche honor would go to the dickhead above.

I mean I don’t know what’s more sickening, that guys like this exist, that guys like this are a representation of my gender, nay, my species, that guys like this have vaginas to insert their penises into, that guys like this are not stricken with leprosy and actually have penises, or that guys like this have a place to showcase their douchery.

But you know, I’m gonna go a step further here and assign some of the blame to the victim’s. These episode’s can’t possibly be the first times these women has been douche’s, and yet, they still stuck around…

Whatever, fuck it, I’m pissed, lea’me alone.

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for August 12th

2009-08-13T01:56:00.001-07:00

Today’s Jeopardy (College Championship) Clue of the Day:

The $800 clue from the Jeopardy round category WOULD YOU LIKE FLIES WITH THAT?

“edible.com SELLS GROUND BEANS FOR THIS HOT BEVERAGE THAT HAVE BEEN REGURGITATED BY WEASELS, CLEANED & ROASTED”

Answer:

“WHAT IS COFFEE?”

I don’t know about you, but for me, nothing screams edible like regurgitated weasel beans. “WHAT IS IRONY, ALEX?” And who’s the guy that has collect these regurgitated beans? You thought your job sucked? “So how was work today?” “How the fuck do you think it was? I pick through weasel vomit all day long for 72 cents a week! Asshole. Fuck off and die mom!”

But you know what, they roast them, so I take it all back.

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for August 11th

2009-08-11T20:35:00.001-07:00

Today’s Jeopardy (College Championship) Clue of the Day:

For the second day in a row, and only the second time ever, our Clue of the Day comes from our Final Jeopardy round. The category is ON THE MOON

“IT’S THE LAST WORD OF INSCRIPTION ON APOLLO 11’S PLAQUE ON THE MOON & IS ALSO FOUND IN A RELATED QUOTATION”

Answer:

“WHAT IS MANKIND?”

There’s a plaque on the moon??!??!! Is this a thing? Does everybody know about this? And leave it to the United States to play the universal equivalent of a dog marking it’s territory by pissing on the moon (metaphorically speaking) and effectively giving all other interstellar planetary superpowers a way of tracking us. Great thinking Apollo 11 crew! Really, good job, smart move.

- Lenny

Shameless Plug: Redwhale

2009-08-11T18:07:00.001-07:00

A buddy of mine is co-owner of the newly launched fashion label Redwhale. Check the site out at http://www.shopredwhale.com. Unlike the amateur hour that is A Penny For Lenny, the Redwhale site and their products are very well made and benefit from a tasteful aesthetic. Their logo alone is clear proof of that.

At launch, their product line is limited to stylish cell phone/pda cases for both men and women, though I expect it to expand in the coming months. I for one can’t wait get my hands on a Redwhale logo shirt. Hook a brother up Dustin!

To keep up to date on all things Redwhale, join their Facebook fan page here: Redwhale Facebook Fan Page. There’s word of free giveaways, but don’t hold me to that.

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for August 10th

2009-08-10T23:54:00.001-07:00

Today’s Jeopardy (College Championship) Clue of the Day:

For the first time, our Clue of the Day comes from our Final Jeopardy round. The category is THE 50 STATES

“AN 1881 RESOLUTION ESTABLISHED THAT THIS STATE’S NAME WAS TO BE SPELLED ONE WAY BUT PRONOUNCED ANOTHER”

Answer:

“WHAT IS ARKANSAS?”

Now, just what kind of a backwards ass hick state do you have to be that you not only make up a pronunciation of a word, but go so far as to make your pretend name official by way of a state act. I mean sure, I pronounce my home state’s name California as “Qxuedronofliru” but you don’t see me lobbying my state legislature to pass a law forcing everyone else to do the same.

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for August 8th

2009-08-08T22:17:00.001-07:00

Today’s Jeopardy Clue of the Day:

The $800 clue from the Double Jeopardy round category FILM FISTICUFFS

“YIPPEE-KI-YAY! EX-HOSTAGE BONNIE BEDELIA SMACKS A SMARMY TV REPORTER IN THIS 1988 ACTION FILM”

Answer:

“WHAT IS DIE HARD?”

Alex barely got out “Yippee-Ki” when I was already answering “MOTHERFUCKER! Die Hard, it’s Die Hard”. But then after he read the whole of the question and the camera cut back to the contestants standing there like stumps, all three of them, blank expressions on their faces, and none of them buzzing in…I yelled so damn loud at the screen that it startled the dog. “DIE HARD! DIE. HARD. IT’S DIE HARD DAMMIT!!” But they couldn’t hear me (it was a rerun). Never have I been so disgusted with a Jeopardy contestant as I was with these three. You’re on Jeopardy for Pete’s sake! Have a little class…answer the Die Hard clue. Worthless, the lot of them. Simply worthless. /rant

On a brighter note, I was impressed with the entirety of the SAMURAI WARRIOR category. Both concept and execution were top notch.

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for August 7th

2009-08-08T15:30:00.001-07:00

Today’s Jeopardy (Teen Tournament) Clue of the Day:

The $1200 clue from the Double Jeopardy round category SOUNDS LIKE FUN

“THROW YOUR WEIGHT AROUND PRACTICING THIS MARTIAL ART WHOSE NAME MEANS “GENTLE WAY””

Answer:

“WHAT IS JUDO?”

Dude, talk about the juxtaposition between “Gentle Way” and “Supreme Ultimate Fist”! Plus the fact that you could only really fuck a dude up with a Judo Chop as opposed to making them die from laughter with your Harmonized Breathing.

Bonus Jeopardy (Teen Tournament) Clue of the Day:

The $1000 clue and Daily Double from the Jeopardy round category THE NET WORKS

“THIS SEARCH SITE WAS NAMED BY IT’S CREATORS FROM A DICTIONARY DEFINITION: “RUDE, UNSOPHISTICATED, UNCOUTH””

Answer:

“~~WHAT IS LENNY? I’M SORRY, WHO IS LENNY?~~ WHAT IS YAHOO!?”

Sorry, I had to…

And for the first time ever…

Bonus Bonus Jeopardy (Teen Tournament) Clue of the Day:

The $200 clue from the Jeopardy round category GOOD APPLICATION ESSAY WORDS

“SAY THAT YOU’RE THIS, BUT NOT THAT YOU’RE THIS OVERZEALOUS TYPE OF BEAVER”

Answer:

“WHAT IS EAGER?”

Heh heh, he said Beaver.

- Lenny

Too Much Fun Not to Share a.k.a. The Most Awesome Story Ever Told

2009-08-08T00:33:00.001-07:00

Okay, here’s the setup: A friend of mine posted a message on his Facebook page about his son’s super expensive hockey visor that keeps cracking and how the Company, Reebok, refuses to stand behind their product. I’m in black, “Ronald” is in purple, and “Alan” is in lime.

As I do with most fucked up situations, I made light of it. Here’s what I said:

See, the problem with you overprotective types is that you don't seem to understand that scars build character. Plus it'll probably help him get laid when he's older...

"So uh, what happened to your face?"
"Oh, this? I sometimes forget that it's there. I got it playing hockey."
"Take me. Take me now."

And scene!

That apparently struck a chord. First there was a comment about how scars do in fact help one score chicks. And then this:

Leonard!!! I don't know who you are, but your ear for dialogue is pitch perfect. I'd like to see that scene expanded into a feature.

Brilliant? I dare say so.

Yes, brilliant! And I swear I’m not making that up.

This is what followed. I’ve changed names (and put quotes around them), just because most folks don’t like it being publicly known that they know me…

“Ronald”, you are too kind sir. I've already got it all planned out. I see Zac Efron playing “Henry”, or possibly someone a little edgier like Robert Pattinson (either one guarantees a huge opening weekend). The girls (plural, as I see the scene repeating a good 14 times, and yes “Alan”, that number was deliberate) will be played by a string of former Mouseketeer's trying to shed their squeaky clean image. In the end though he realizes that true love has been right in front of him the whole time. It's his best friend, the girl next door who never missed a single one of his games. She will be played by Mary Elizabeth Winstead. It goes on to sweep every category in the Teen Choice Awards and gets the win for best kiss at the MTV Movie Awards. The kiss was between the “Henry” character and the Patrice Lacroix character (the French Canadian exchange student). Patrice is the goalie on “Henry's” team and the kiss comes after Patrice makes a huge save in the closing seconds of the game to win it. See, “Henry” had given up the puck in the neutral zone because he was distracted by his female fans in the stands, which lead to the breakaway. When Patrice made the save and the buzzer sounded, “Henry” was so relieved that his blunder didn't cost his team the game by forcing a sudden death overtime, it was the State Championship afterall, that he plants one on Patrice. But don't worry, it's a facemask on facemask kiss, which audiences across the globe find adorable.

Roll credits...

Insert post credits teaser scene hinting at a sequel...

Or a prequel...I haven't worked all the kinks out yet.

The reference to the number 14 is that it’s “Alan’s” jersey number that he wears as a result of his Man Crush (article coming soon) on Brendan Shanahan.

Never have I felt as masculine as while googling the above images. The following one more than made up for that however.

“Alan’s” friend “Ronald” responded with this:

Leonard [that’s Lenny to you all]!! WTF!!! I can tell that the academy award you win for your brilliant picture will not be your first. I am absolutely sure you have a mantle full of them. I wouldn't worry too much about ironing out the kinks. You obviously relate to this project on such an organic level that I am even wondering if a script is necessary. You're so dialed in that I say you just grab a camera and start rolling. I noticed you have not yet cast the part of “Alan”, the over-protective father who likes to complain a lot. If I may, I'd like to suggest Haing S. Ngor, who played Dith Pran in The Killing Fields 25 years ago. I know it's not the obvious choice, but this is “Alan” we are talking about.

Haing:

I went into further detail:

I don't do it for the awards, I do it for the art. And as for the “Alan” role, I was thinking Ed Asner. But after Up, we probably couldn't afford him. So then, talk about not the obvious choice, I was thinking we make “Henry” adopted and have Tyler Perry in a dual role as both “Alan” and “Doris”. This opens up a whole new demographic and thus quadruple's the box office. Oh, and then to pander to the Latin audience we cast Salma Hayek as the Home Ec. teacher who gets a crash course in hockey when she has to take over as head coach when the real head coach accepts the head coaching job at the rival school, in the middle of the season, taking all the assistant coaches with him. We'll have a montage of her watching Slapshot, Youngblood, Mystery, Alaska, The Cutting Edge, Miracle, Just Friends, and The Mighty Ducks movies. She ends up throwing out all the rules by likening hockey to baking a cake..."it just won't taste right without all the right ingredients" etc. For the Asians viewers...Lucy Liu will play a single mom whose son is hiding the fact that he's on the team because she wants him to focus on his studies so he can become a doctor. For the GLBT community, “Henry” comes to the defense of an out but not flamboyant (we try to steer clear of the stereotypes) gay teammate who is being ostracized by the rest of the team because of his orientation. I'm still working on a title though.

Those possible additions to the cast:

I went on to say:

Or possibly, now hear me out, Patrice is the gay teammate, whose game winning save wins over the rest of the team and makes him just one of the guys. Plus “Henry's” facemask kiss with him, adds depth to his [“Henry’s”] character because it shows that he doesn't care what people think.

“Ronald” answered thusly:

Leonard, let me start by saying that it is crystal clear that you, my friend, are an artist. That's why you will win all the awards, because you don't pander. While I have to admit my inclination is to just stand back and watch you create, I feel like you are reaching out to me for script notes, so I won't deny you. In the end, art is always a collaborative process.

Let me start by saying I love “Henry's” character arc. At first he is a sissy with a broken mask, both literally and figuratively. Then, when the metaphorical and actual mask is removed he comes into his own and sees things for what they really are. Hockey is a cake with many ingredients and his omnisexual love for the goalie is the frosting.

I feel like you are trying to include every possible ethnic group so that our domestic revenue pales in comparison to our international take. Here are some thoughts to expand on that:

Jackie Chan as the hockey teams trainer and nutritionist.....

“Alan” took offense to something “Ronald” just said:

While you guys are obviously a couple of smart Jew boys who missed their calling of writing for The Larry Sanders Show..... Call my son an omnisexual again and I'm going to have to kick both your asses as much as I love you both!

How I got lumped into the ass kicking “Alan” was about to dish out is beyond me, but that’s white folks for you I suppose.

“Ronald” continued:

He [Jackie Chan] has to keep coming up with inventive ways to hide the tofu in the meals he prepares for the team.

Then I'd like to see any actor with the last name Patel. This should appeal to all those who loved Slumdog Millionaire.

And, of course, Nia Vardalos as the single mom of the gay goalie. She has a heart of gold and is desperately looking for her soulmate, who, it turns out, is right there under her nose in the form of “Henry's” absurdly hairy power skating coach. This should pull in all the romantic saps as well as post menopausal women.

Lastly, I like Rade Serbedzija as the salty, Eastern-European zamboni driver who it turns out was an assistant coach for those great Red Army teams of the 70's. He taught Hayek some old-school training techniques and we can have a montage like the barn scene in Rocky III.

More actors to perhaps round out our cast:

“Alan” felt it necessary to clarify his last comment:

Unless of course he gets to lose his virginity to Miley Cyrus, Miranda Cosgrove or Ashley Tisdale. Then all is forgiven.

This is what that particular trifecta looks like (these will be deleted from my hard drive the moment this post goes live):

How “Alan”, a man in his early 40’s had these three names so readily at his disposal, is really more a question for “Doris”. He’s my friend, who am I to judge? But since we’re talking about it, dude, “Alan” seriously, what the fuck is up with that? I know you’re reading this.

And then “Alan” continues to live vicariously:

or all three in the gang bang scene.

Then “Ronald” explains the meaning behind his earlier comments:

First off, I did not and would never describe the obviously hetero “Henry” as omnisexual. I said he had omnisexual love for the goalie. I just meant that his heart is a big tent with room for everyone. Not unlike Ghandi. So if you have a problem with that, take it up with India.

OH SNAP!!! Is “Alan” ‘bout to throw down with India? Be forewarned, those dudes roll deep. Realllll deep.

“Ronald” sees “Alan’s” newest comment and pounces:

A gang bang? There goes a G or PG-13 out the window. Has there ever been an NC-17 rating for a teen comedy?

But he’s not alone, I jump in on that one as well:

Leave it to “Alan Silverberg” to class the joint up! And while we're at it, maybe Wall-E should have ended with Wall-E inserting his thumb drive into Eve's USB port? Get your mind out of the gutter buddy. The most I'll give you is some above the sweater petting, shot tastefully through some bushes with a telephoto lens.

I guess “Alan” liked that idea:

LOL

Then I get around to answering “Ronald”:

“Ronald”, love the Jackie Chan character. The Patel character will be the yoga instructor that Chan brings on board to help the team with their flexibility.

And actually thinking about it, maybe the goalie isn't the gay one. We of course still have a gay player, but it's not the goalie, the goalie’s straight, but everyone thinks he's gay because of the accent and his name.

And as for Vardalos, I envisioned Patrice living with a host family and his parents still being in Canada, so Vardalos I'm thinking would be in a whole separate movie that parallels this first one, so it wouldn't exactly be a sequel.

Rade's a keeper though, for sure.

Next “Ronald” gets a little nostalgic:

It's strange to think about it now, but the seed that sprouted into this second coming of Audrey II (the plant from Little Hop of Horrors) was “Alan's” cry for help over a hockey visor.

The origins of great art are truly a mystery.

And I get offended:

“Ronald”, for the first time in our brief but magical time together, I am offended. Why am I offended? I am offended that you felt the need to clarify Audrey II for me.

“Ronald” clears up the confusion:

Leonard, please know that the clarification was not for you, but for “Alan”. It is clear your knowledge of movies is vast and deep. But I, myself, had to go to imdb.com to find the name of the plant. So I assumed “Alan” would too. And since he has decided to insert himself into our otherworldly collaboration and throw his weight around making lewd demands, I felt I should make sure we all understand what we were talking about before he suggests that Sasha Grey plays the hockey coach who gets hired after blackmailing the league commissioner into making her coach after an amazing GFE.

And this is Sasha Gray (twas not easy finding a SFW photo):

“Ronald’s” inspired:

Here is my first suggestion for a title - Love Scars.

And “Alan’s” insipid:

I'm just hanging in the shadows waiting for someone to use the term 'MILF'

I call “Alan” out on that one:

You see “Alan”, it's comments like that, and your total lack of professionalism...I was gonna be a peach and help you resurrect your acting career by giving you a line in the film, but with your mind in gutter as it is, I'm afraid I wouldn't want to risk you making my stars uncomfortable.

The line about the acting career? Well, my friend “Alan” was once upon a time ago in a flick called Party Camp, which, mark my words, I will get my hands on a copy of even if it’s the last thing I do. But anyway…

Come on now…who wouldn’t want to go see Love Scars (working title)?!?!???!!

- Lenny

Farewell John Hughes

2009-08-06T21:46:00.001-07:00

**UPDATE # 2**

Since posting this, a wonderful and sublimely touching article has come to my attention. It’s a highly anecdotal tale that solidifies my own writing below, which could have otherwise been regarded as pure conjecture. It was written by a woman named Alison Byrne Fields. I implore all of you to READ IT! If you only have time to read one, my write-up or hers, READ HERS!

Also. for a bit more insight, The Wall Street Journal spoke to Alison about her experience here.

**UPDATED**

I’ve reworked the ending as it felt a little rushed because I wanted to get something up acknowledging the loss. I’m okay with it now.

**ORIGINAL ARTICLE **

John Hughes died today from a heart attack at the age of 59.

With his death, so too died a part of my childhood.

Being born in ‘78, I am very much a child of the 80’s. I am also a movie geek. These facts alone are enough to tell you that I am a fan of all things John Hughes.

He captured the teenage condition like none before him, and very few since.

His characters were not one-dimensional. They had life to them.

They were your friends. Your enemies. Your brothers. Your sisters. Your crushes. And your envies.

They were people. Real people, and that made them highly relatable.

Who didn’t want to be Ferris Bueller?

Hughes’ films still conjure fond memories some twenty plus years later. A merit unlikely to diminish anytime in the foreseeable future.

His films were tender and funny and written with care.

John Hughes leaves behind an entire generation that grew up on his films. A generation he helped to cope with being uncomfortable in it’s own skin. A generation he helped to make comfortable.

That is his legacy.

That and the generations who still have yet to discover his films.

It’s of little consolation, because at 59 he should have had another 20+ years to go, but at least he made his mark on the world before he left it.

E Online has a more thorough write-up here.

John Hughes, February 18, 1950 – August 6, 2009

On behalf of all the brains, the athletes, the basket cases, the princesses, and the criminals who are so much more than those most convenient definitions…

Thank you for the giving us a voice.

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for August 6th

2009-08-06T20:04:00.001-07:00

Today’s Jeopardy (Teen Tournament) Clue of the Day:

The $2000 clue from the Double Jeopardy round category SUPERBAD

“IN 1717 & 1718 THIS PIRATE TERRORIZED THE SOUTHEASTERN COAST IN HIS SHIP THE QUEEN ANNE’S REVENGE”

Answer:

“WHO IS BLACKBEARD?”

AAARRRRR!

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for August 5th

2009-08-05T20:29:00.001-07:00

Today’s Jeopardy (Teen Tournament) Clue of the Day:

The $400 clue from the Jeopardy round category AMERICAN NOVELISTS

“HE WROTE “CARRIE” WHILE TEACHING HIGH SCHOOL ENGLISH AT HAMPDEN ACADEMY IN MAINE”

Answer:

“WHO IS STEPHEN KING?”

Holy shit!! Have you read or seen Carrie?! What kind of fucked up school is the Hampden Academy that it was the inspiration for Carrie? Damn. Hopefully the place has been burned down and the earth where it once stood has been salted.

Now let just spit over my shoulder three times, aaaaand I’m good.

- Lenny

Disrespectful? Moi?!!

2009-08-05T12:47:00.001-07:00

Look at me being all international with that title. Now on with it.

I don’t get offended very easily. I get pissed off at the drop of a hat, but to offend me, it’ll take something special.

And that’s what we’ve got ourselves here. But first, the back-story…

The other day I was over my friends house. We’ll call her “Yolanda”.

So “Yolanda” was trying to show me this dating site that her uncle had signed her up for, but for whatever reason she couldn’t log in.

This was when I suggested that she try JDate.

There was a brief protest, but in the end she relented.

I looked on as she began to fill out the various sections now required to simply look at profiles.

Then she got to the “about me” part and nearly scrapped the whole idea.

After some tasteful and creative suggestions of mine were rejected, she decided to just fill it out herself. What she wrote went something like this:

“I’m…blah blah blah, and I also like to try new things, blah blah blah…”

“Try new things?” I said, “don’t put that, you’ll get a bunch of guys messaging you about anal.”

“Someone did yesterday.”

I jumped up (literally) in a fit of laughter. Some twelve minutes later when I was finally able to catch my breath, I naturally declared myself a clairvoyant svengali wizard.

“So who was this guy?” I asked.

“Just some guy I was talking to.”

“So what, you’re chatting and he just randomly asks you about anal?”

“I don’t know, it was late. I had been chatting with him for like an hour and then he asked if he could just call me.”

“Jeez, how late was it?”

“Like 3 a.m.”

“3 a.m.?! Are you serious? I’m surprised he didn’t ask if he could come over!”

She sheepishly admitted:

“He did.”

And another fit of laughter ensued. Followed by a proclamation of solidification of my clairvoyant svengali wizardry.

What you folks can’t possibly know is that my friend “Yolanda” is a bit of a prude.

“So how long had you been chatting online with this guy before you gave him your phone number?” I inquired.

“I had just started talking to him the day before.”

“What??! You talked to the guy for a day before giving him your phone number? Goodness. No wonder he’s talking to you about anal.”

“What, I shouldn’t have?" I don’t know. How long should I have waited? I honestly don’t know.”

And she doesn’t folks. Her prudishness is only matched by her naïveté. So she truly saw nothing wrong with simply having a phone conversation with a guy she just met online. She’s a bright 25 year-old who just got her Masters, but like many of these higher learned folks, she’s afflicted with a touch of social retardation.

But that’s more than enough back-story.

Fast forward two days, when I get a text from her that simply states “you’re stupid”. And cue another fit of laughter, the reason for which shall be explained shortly.

So I call her up to share the laugh, but she’s not having any of it. How could I? I had further ruined her already bad day. Plus more venom along those lines.

She was referring to a comment I had left on her Facebook page.

“It is not funny. It is so not funny. I’m friends with people from work on there. I can’t believe you did that.”

“Um, you’re right, it’s not funny, it’s hilarious!” I countered. “If only you could see it from where I’m sitting.”

“It’s not funny.”

“Yes it is.” We went back and forth like this for a minute or two until this:

“That was so disrespectful.”

Hold the fucken trolley folks! That’s when I flipped. Before I share that comment with you, if you’ve read any of my previous articles, you’ve probably got an idea of my sense of humor. “Yolanda” too, knows very well my idea of funny, and is a frequent recipient (participant?) of it’s end results (i.e. laughter). So that too, I believe plays a part in my becoming offended.

But before giving you my “disrespectful” comment, here’s another comment I’ve left on a Facebook page, this one being my Cousin’s (who also happens to be my best friend):

“Have you succumbed to your love of penis yet, or are you still trying to fight it?”

The only person that got offended (momentarily) was a gay friend of my cousin’s, and my cousin’s a fucken surgeon! Oh, and when his gay friend made a comment about my comment, I asked if he had succumb to his love of vagina.

See folks, I’m a trasher not a basher.

And now, the since deleted Facebook comment that brought you all here today:

“Dear Yolanda,

Would you care for a spot of anal?

Kindest Regards,

Lenny”

I clearly wasn’t asking her for anal! I was sharing an inside joke. I was poking (surprisingly, no pun intended) fun. I posted that with tears of laughter in my eyes, not with a hard-on in my pants, and no, it’s not because I wasn’t wearing pants. It was meant to, at worst, be embarrassing, but never disrespectful.

At most I expected admonishment for being, perhaps inappropriate. But disrespectful? Come off it Yolanda!

Shit like this turns me cold and distant towards a person right quick. I don’t think I’m in the wrong here. As such, I did not apologize, nor do I plan to.

Any thoughts?

- Lenny

**I was thinking of calling this post “Anal on Facebook” in the hopes of attracting more readers, but I stopped myself for two reasons – 1. that would be disingenuous, and 2. it would have given away the ending.

Site Update 8/5/09

2009-08-05T02:58:00.001-07:00

I’ve missed 3 Clue of the Days as of Tuesday. Saturday’s fumble was due to my being on the losing end of an altercation I had with some alcohol that I met over the weekend. Monday’s and Tuesday’s misses have to do with my house/pet sitting duties for my Aunt. I’ve programmed her DVR to record me my Jeopardy’s, so that should get me back on track. I’ll probably come back to them and put them up in couple of weeks just for the fuck of it.

I’m gonna be here ‘til the 29th, so I doubt there will be any Inside My DVR columns. I guess I’m just gonna have to regale you all with my Lenny Vs. and Lenny Explains… articles.

I’ve got a few other write-ups in the works as well, so while APFL’s August won’t be as robust as July content wise, it shouldn’t be a complete wasteland.

Okay…

- Lenny

Lenny Vs. A Masterpiece

2009-08-03T11:32:00.000-07:00

So, I was watching something I had recorded about two weeks ago, skipping through commercials as usual, until something caught my eye. Apparently there’s been a new (at least as of two weeks ago) Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen TV spot airing here in Los Angeles. It’s of your typical “#1 Movie in America” blah blah blah variety, where they include key buzzword quotes extracted from various reviews.

Now remember, we’re talking Transformers 2 here.

First quote - “Astonishing”. Fine, whatever I guess.

Next quote - “Thrilling”. Um, okay.

Third and final quote - “A Masterpiece”.

Yeah, “a masterpiece”. You don’t believe me do you? I didn’t think you would. I wouldn’t have believed me either. That’s why I took this:

See! I told you I wasn’t bullshitting. And I pinky swear that I didn’t Photoshop it.

Let me get this out of the way right now, I’m no Bay basher. I actually like and own many of his movies. But Revenge of the Fallen, while possibly his biggest endeavor, was by no means his greatest. Or great. Or even good.

So when I saw that – “a masterpiece” – I thought for sure it was a work of trickery at the hands of some weasely marketing exec.

I knew, without a doubt, that they must have spliced out the two words (“of shit”) that “a masterpiece” proceeded.

Go ahead, take a moment to put it together.

Yep, there it is.

Who the fuck would call it a masterpiece?!

I had to know where they got this quote from…wait, Cinematical? No, that can’t be right. I read Cinematical. Often. They’ve got good stuff on their site.

Well then maybe it was another case of a fake critic, like what happened with The Animal (Google it). Todd Gilchrist though? I know that name. I recognize it from the site. He’s a real person as far as I know.

I had to see this review for myself, so I headed over to Cinematical.com, typed “Transformers” in the search box and hit enter.

First result - “Review: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen”.

Click.

By Todd Gilchrist.

Bingo!

Ctrl F

m-a-s-t-e-r-p-i-e-c-e

And there it was right there. Towards the end of the second paragraph. “…(A)ction masterpiece…” I couldn’t believe my eyes. There was no “of shit” following it.

What the hell? Was this guy for real? So then I read that second paragraph.

“Michael Bay, condensing the cumulative total of the spectacle from all of his seven previous films into one unwieldy, gargantuan opus, has exceeded even the possibilities of sequel-driven "moreness," combining his own muscular, high-gloss sensibility with the conventions of blockbusters past, present, and probably future to create a monolithic action masterpiece that feels destined to be the biggest movie of all time.”

Hold on, he just called the thing “unwieldy” in the same breath as “masterpiece”. And yet the “masterpiece” remark is written without an inkling of sarcasm. Great! Now I gotta read the whole thing.

…And done!

Okay, so I think I know what happened, but more on that later.

Having now read the review, it’s plainly obvious that Todd doesn’t believe this movie to be a masterpiece, at least not in the traditional sense, but instead he considers it to be…

“…exhilarating, idiotic escapism.”

I fully concur, save for the “exhilarating” part.

He goes on to admit that,

“(e)ven for a sequel, there seems to be precious little originality in any of the film's ideas, relationships, characterizations, or plot developments.”

Amen to that brother!

“…much of the film still feels like an assault on the senses…”

Well actually, only five of the six get assaulted. Yes, there’s a sixth sense, and no it’s got nothing to do with ghosts. The real sixth sense, in my opinion is the most sacred. It is the Common sense and it can’t get assaulted, because if you watched Transformers, then you obviously don’t possess it.

“…it's important to note that these are only shortcomings if you're going into Revenge of the Fallen expecting something other than a movie about Transformers.”

No no, not entirely true. While yes, we expect escapism, preferably non-idiotic, and sensory assault from a movie about giant robots, we can still at least hope for a smidgen of originality, or you know, at least a decipherable fight scene that wasn’t cut to keep the attention of a kid whose Ritalin ran out.

Todd takes his craft seriously, not like some people I know (ahem*Lenny*ahem), providing details of the convoluted mess they were passing off as a plot, and even thoughtfully commenting on the cinematography. In fact, not only does “of shit” not appear after “masterpiece”, “shit” is absent from the entirety of his review.

That praise notwithstanding, “masterpiece” was an egregious choice of words.

Here’s what I think happened (told you I’d come back to it)…I think Todd meant that it was not a masterpiece as in being a masterful film, but rather he limited the term strictly to the film’s grandiosity (a word I chose quite deliberately as I most certainly didn’t mean to say “grandness”).

And with that meaning behind it, I wholeheartedly agree – Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen, is, without question, a masterpiece of a spectacle. (Don’t tell nobody I told you, but the real reason Michael Bay made this movie was so that he could check another item off his To Do List by destroying a Pyramid.)

But because Todd failed to expressly state to his readership the limits of the word’s usage, and also because most marketing exec’s aren’t as thorough as yours truly, they took (my belief of) the meaning of the phrase, in letter only, rather than in the spirit with which it was intended.

Personally, I would have chosen “idiotic escapism” or “precious little originality” for the ads. I mean it did work for Gossip Girl, but that’s just me.

- Lenny

*Can you believe it? An entire discussion about Transformers without a single mention of Megan Fox?

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for July 31st

2009-08-01T06:28:00.001-07:00

Today’s Jeopardy (Teen Tournament) Clue of the Day:

The $1600 (Clue Crew video) clue from the Double Jeopardy round category A VOYAGE THROUGH EUROPE

“PAMPLONA’S 16th CENTURY OUR LADY OF MISERY WAS A WAY STATION ON A SET ROUTE FOR THESE RELIGOUS TRAVELERS AS THEY TREKKED HUNDREDS OF MILES FROM FRANCE TO THEIR FINAL DESTINATION, SANTIAGO DE COMPOSTELA”

Answer:

“WHAT ARE PILGRIMS?”

I don’t know about you, but when I’m trekking hundreds of miles, there’s no place else I’d rather stop at than “Our Lady of Misery”.

Bonus Jeopardy (Teen Tournament) Clue of the Day:

The $1000 clue from the Jeopardy round category URBAN DICTIONARY LINGO

“URBAN DICITONARY SAYS THAT THIS 3-LETTER WORD CAN MEAN A BOYFRIEND OR GIRLFRIEND OR BE A “WORD USED TO SCARE PEOPLE””

Answer:

“WHAT IS A BOO?”

Seriously Jeopardy?! I mean I know this is the Teen Tournament, so we cut you a little slack there, but this is just embarrassing. My how the mighty have fallen. What’s next, a clue about a “Baby Daddy”?

Oh, and that whole IT’S LIKE, SHAKESPEARE, YOU KNOW? category was an abomination not only in practice, but in theory as well.

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for July 30th

2009-07-30T23:24:00.001-07:00

Today’s Jeopardy (Teen Tournament) Clue of the Day:

The $600 clue from the Jeopardy round category YOU CAN QUOTE ME ON THAT

“AT HER INQUEST THIS WOMAN WHO INSPIRED A RHYME SAID, “I KNEW THERE WAS AN OLD AXE DOWN IN THE CELLAR. THAT IS ALL I KNEW””

Answer:

“WHO IS LIZZIE BORDEN?”

Dude, what the hell Trebek?! You’re gonna just leave us all hanging? Fine, I’ll Google that shit!

Who loves you more than me? Here you go:

Lizze Borden took an axe

And gave her mother forty whacks

When she saw what she had done

She gave her father forty-one

Damn, that thing’s pretty catchy.

Bonus Jeopardy (Teen Tournament) Clue of the Day:

The $1000 clue from the Jeopardy round category TRANSPORTATION

“THIS LIGHT RUSSIAN SLEIGH, WHOSE NAME MEANS “A GROUP OF 3”, IS PULLED BY 3 HORSES”

Answer:

“WHAT IS A TROIKA?”

Wow, epic fail on my part. I had no idea was the answer was here, even though I’m familiar with the phrase “Troika” and I’m like you know, Russian. But whatevs.

- Lenny

Inside My DVR: Hot Dog…The Movie

2009-07-30T11:09:00.000-07:00

STATS

Title: Hot Dog…The Movie

Rated: R

Network: Flix West

Channel: 295

Date Recorded: Monday, July 13, 2009

Airing At: 3:45am

Running Time: 96 min

Guide Summary: “(1984), *, Rivalry among overgrown adolescents at a skiing competition in Squaw Valley, Cal. (Comedy)”

THOUGHTS

Boy they sure don’t make ‘em like this anymore. And I’ll tell you what, it’s a damn shame that they don’t! I mean, look at the fucken poster! Who wouldn’t wanna watch that?

First off, about 11 minutes in, you hear me – 11 minutes in(!), you’ve got not only the first of dozens of sets of tits, but you’ve also got bush! And it’s 80’s bush at that, so it should really count as four bush (bushes?) by today’s standards.

A mere 8 minutes later, we’re treated to a wet t-shirt contest (I use the word “contest” loosely, because when t-shirts are wetted, we’re all winners) hosted by “Lester the Molester” in a redneck bar, with no less than 11 contestants! The t-shirts are summarily discarded and it becomes a Wetitstravaganza^TM backed by the up-tempo Bluegrass styling's of a good ol’ boy band (I told you it was a redneck bar). And just why was this scene necessary? …I’m sorry, who let a feminist into my blog? It was necessary because it was 1984 and that’s the kind of shit that happened back then!

Let just get this out of the way right now, the plotting is pretty terrible and also, the two leads have absolutely no chemistry. Their “acting” is stiff, and their timing is frigid. Each scene they share plays like they just got their lines moments before the cameras rolled.

These leads are:

Patrick Houser, who is quite swoon-worthy, especially during a scene where he channels Keith Carradine circa Nashville with his own “I’m Easy” type guitar seduction. He plays Harkin Banks, a country bumpkin ski phenom from Bonners Ferry, Idaho, “where the men are men, and the sheep are nervous”.

And:

Tracy Smith who plays Sunny. Tracy possesses a natural beauty that was indicative of the era. Sadly, the most we see of her is some (substantial) side boob and a bit of ass. Her line “I ain’t going down on a guy at 65 miles an hour just for a crummy ride” begs the question, at what speed would she go down on a guy for a crummy ride?” Or is it not the speed of the car, but the gender of the driver? Hmm…

But I mean really, this movie has it all (in no particular order):

That Poster!
The “Kiss-Ass Blaster” – the ski jump equivalent of the “Triple Lindy”
A German Victory Song
A Snowball Ambush
A rad 80’s soundtrack of “can-do!” themed power ballads
The ubiquitous “Big Party” and the fabled “Private Tour”
Storage room shenanigans and their end results
A ridiculous “Chinese” Downhill free-for-all where our man Harkin is sent skiing into the open door of a building and out the other side, right through a plate glass window to win the race
The broomball battle that inspired the classic - “we were small, but we were slow”
And oh yeah, Shannon Tweed!!!

Shannon’s role here as Sylvia is pioneering. Not only does Shannon expose her hefty Tweeds (yay Women’s Lib! I guess feminists aren’t all bad), but also, this is the role that is invariably the grandmother of the current Cougar movement.

And Oh My God the stereotypes! It’s Stereotypes galore! There’s:

Rudi Garmisch, the Asshole German with a Superiority Complex and yes-man cronies known as the “Rudettes”
Dan O’Callahan, the washed-up star turned mentor who takes our hero under his wing
Kendo Yamamoto, “Kamikaze”, the Japanese national who wears a Rising Sun bandana throughout, doesn’t speak a word of English save for a comedic punch line leading into the films climax, and cracks open peanut shells via karate chop
Squirrel Murphy, the stoner/druggie ski bum whose best pick-up line is “I suppose a fuck’s out of the question”
Michelle, “Banana Pants”, the girl member of the crew who’s just one of the guys
Slasher, the metalhead constantly cranking tunes on high through his headphones

And because no stereotype heavy movie would be complete without, we have:

The Man, in this case - unethical ski officials

Despite the seeming knocks against it, Hot Dog had some clever and witty dialogue. Some selected favorites:

“You people, stay out of auur way! You may ski on zat side, oarr on zat side, but ztay out of zhe mittle heere!”

“Hey Rudi, you can kiss my ass. Not on this side, not on that side, but right in zhe middle!”

And this:

“I had Sunny zide up, and I had Sunny side down, unt I had Sunny zide all zhe way around.”

And also this, a Cat Fight turned plot-of-a-scene-I-desperately-wish-had-been-included (between Shannon Tweed and Tracy Smith when Sylvia comes across Sunny’s first attempt at skiing):

“I saw you fall. I thought I could stop and give you a few pointers.”

“Yeah, you’ve got a couple, so why don’t you point ‘em that way and crawl out of my sight!”

“Ah, you gotta learn to bend your knees.”

“Get your momma to bend ‘er knees, I don’t have time.”

“That way you could suck up the bumps.”

“Tehehehehe. Ahhh you do know how to do that don’t you?!”

“Here let me give you a hand…I can see why Harkin likes you.”

“Oh I get it, switch hitter. First Harkin and now me. You really are a sicko lady.”

“Maybe you and Harkin and we can all, uh, get together later.”

But lest we forget, this is, above all else a ski movie. Now, I don’t know squat about skiing, but from a laymen’s viewpoint, the ski footage was pretty damn spectacular, especially the Ski Ballet scenes (does anyone still do this?). Something really nice to look at in a movie filled with really nice things to look at.

This movie is great because it’s unapologetic in it’s awesomeness as an R-rated ski comedy, and dammit we need more movies like this. A movie where we can check our brains at the door and just embrace the excess.

The 1980’s - when the movies were bad and we loved them for it.

Now before I go, there is one real gripe I have about this flick and it’s that Vicky, the “Girl in Gondola” played by Victoria Rae Miller, wearing the easy access red sweater, never let’s her Rae Millers out to breathe – did she forget what movie she was in?!

Come on!

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for July 29th

2009-07-29T23:18:00.001-07:00

Some days my choices are based on the clue. Other days, they’re based on the answers. And still other days, they’re based on a combination of the two. To fully appreciate today’s clue you need to all but forget the answer.

Today’s Jeopardy (Teen Tournament) Clue of the Day:

The $800 clue from the Jeopardy round category GIRL SCOUT BADGES

“EARNING THE “IN THE PINK” BADGE HELPS RAISE AWARENESS OF THIS DISEASE IN ADULT WOMEN”

Answer:

“WHAT IS BREAST CANCER?”

I almost feel like there’s a Jeopardy staffer that’s passive aggressively trying to get fired. I mean this clue feels like a setup for Darrell Hammond’s Sean Connery in an SNL “Celebrity Jeopardy” skit. “In the Pink”? Not that I’m complaining, but nobody had any problems with that? This is just like South Park: Bigger, Longer, & Uncut - no double entendres there either, huh fellas?

And I thought the Fosbury Flop sounded dirty, sheesh!

Alex, I’ll take THE PENIS MIGHTIER…

- Lenny

Lenny Explains…Italy

2009-07-29T17:42:00.001-07:00

How much do you love me right now? Yet another new column!

Welcome to Lenny Explains... Other names thrown around for this series included “Lenny Breaks Down:”, “Lenny Breaks it Down”, “Lenny Explains it All:”, and “What Lenny Knows About…”.

We’ll see, maybe I’ll end up changing it, but for now, Lenny Explains…Italy!

This series was inspired by an exchange I had on a “friends” Facebook page. He’s a guy I used to play hockey with before he quit our team midseason. Now he’s living in Italy. Another friend asked him if he was going to be coming back next season to play on the team, which prompted me to post this comment:

“…the better question is, even if his is coming, do you want him? The deserter hasn't played in over a year. He's been living in Italy, eating pizza seven times a day. He's completely useless.”

Which in turn drew this comment from a fourth party:

“Italy is not that bad.... :(”

And this one:

“and we don't eat pizza seven times a day...”

And I commented some more and it was a whole back and forth.

So now, I’m gonna explain Italy. To be sure, I’m no neophyte, I spent about 3 months living there earlier in my life. And here’s the photographic evidence:

Italy

Okay first, because it was already mentioned, and because I fucken love it, Italy is where Pizza comes from, yay!! Yum! True story, while looking for pictures of pizza to use here, I was so overcome with pizza desire that I had to stop writing and go get some. Like I said, yum!

Ferrari! Ferrari’s, like pizza also come from Italy. Sadly, unlike the pizza, I couldn’t go out and get one of these…you know, cause I had to get this article finished, duh. Ferrari’s are exquisite works of art that you can actually play with, not like a stupid painting. These are probably more yum than pizza.

Monica Bellucci. Monica Bellucci. Monica Bellucci. This woman oozes sex. It seeps from every fiber of her being. If Helen of Troy was the face that launched a thousand ships, then Monica Bellucci is the body that inspired a thousand lustful thoughts…in me…right now.

Monica too is a product of Italy, though a major point of contention in my Facebook battle is just how Italian she is now (my conclusion – who cares? Just look at her!). Monica is a woman of the people. Always giving the people what they want – her, naked, onscreen. It’s harder to find a movie where she isn’t naked then to find one where she is, and more power to her. I would have said God bless her right there, but clearly, he already has.

Monica Bellucci, Italian. Tastier than the pizza, and more fun to play with than the Ferrari. (Monica, if you ever run for office, you have my permission to use that quote as a campaign slogan.) And with that, I declare Monica yummiest of the three. More proof of that below. (click to enlarge)

Now my final point by way of explaining Italy:

Italy – it’s the country shaped like a French whore’s Fuck Me!

They should put that on the currency.

And that my friends is all there is to know about Italy.

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for July 28th

2009-07-28T21:01:00.001-07:00

Today’s Jeopardy (Teen Tournament) Clue of the Day:

The $2000 clue from the Double Jeopardy round category GUINNESS RECORDS

“WITH A DESIGNED SPEED OF 128 MPH, THE FASTEST OF THESE RIDES IS KINGDA KA AT SIX FLAGS IN NEW JERSEY”

Answer:

“WHAT IS A ROLLER COASTER?”

I love roller coasters!!! And really who doesn’t, but I gotta go to Jersey to ride the fastest one? What kinda bullshit is that? But then again, it’s probably the only thing they’ve got going for them.

- Lenny

Inside My DVR: Exodus Decoded

2009-07-28T20:02:00.001-07:00

Inside My DVR – this is a new ongoing column where I will discuss different shit I’ve recorded. I use the word “discuss” because these won’t necessarily be reviews per se. For this column I figure on focusing more on one-off type programs. So either obscure movies that practically no one has seen, or perhaps not so obscure movies that I simply haven’t seen yet, or more prevalently specials and events.

I may also write about the weekly’s I watch, as I did with Z Rock here, and there are many of them, but I just won’t be doing it in this column.

Today’s topic falls into that Specials category.

STATS

Title: Exodus Decoded

Network: History Channel HD

Channel: 439

Date Recorded: Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Airing At: 11:00am

Running Time: 120 min

Guide Summary: “Documentarian Simcha Jacobovici defends the veracity of the biblical account of the Jews arrival in Egypt, enslavement and the Exodus claiming that scholars have misdated the Exodus, which he believes occurred in 1500 B.C. (Documentary)”

THOUGHTS

Okay, first a little off topic, but I love the History Channel. I actually had recorded 2 other shows that were on before this one, got erased by newer shows before I got a chance to watch them and I’m super pissed. One was about the assassination of Lincoln and the other was something called the St. Valentine’s Massacre about some 1930’s era Chicago mobsters that got got. Anyway…

Simcha, you got me. I’m convinced. This was a well put together and through examination. Despite being the devout biblical scholar that I am, I was sitting there watching this going, “And then what happened? Crap another commercial. Skip. Skip. Skip. Skip. Shit too far.”

Look, I don’t know Exodus from Leviticus from Genesis, but this doc really held my attention. Jacobovici has made some claims of, dare I say, biblical proportions. Among them:

Exodus actually happened 200 years earlier than everyone thought
The Ark of the Covenant (as in Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark) exists and may very well be hidden away in a warehouse somewhere
It wasn’t the Red Sea that was parted, it was the Reed Sea because everyone’s been getting the translation wrong this whole time
He explains how the 10 plagues occurred and how the Sea was parted
Oh, and he claims to have found the actual Mt. Sinai, the same Mt. Sinai atop which God gave Moses the 10 Commandments

So as you can see, it was no small undertaking he had in front of him. But dammit, if he doesn’t go on to explain and detail his reasoning behind each and every one of these points (and more).

If he wasn’t a documentarian but a guy in the street making these claims, we would all think he had just escaped from the nuthouse. But with the help of a myriad of scholars and scientists from professors to theologians to geologists to archaeologists to James “Terminator” Cameron, Jacobovici can make even the greatest of skeptics doubt all they knew to be true.

All that being said, a quick check of IMDB tells us that this was originally released in 2006. So my question is, what the hell?! Why have we not heard of this? Why is this not a huge revelation (no pun intended)? Have the scientific and theological communities debunked his claims in the three years that have passed?

I mean as I was watching this I kept thinking, “how has nobody ever figured this out until now?” And as we were shown all the degreed talking heads back up Jacobovici’s claims, I couldn’t help but wonder just how renowned these men really were.

Were these men truly experts? Or were these the guys that the real experts laughed and snickered at? How revered were they in their individual fields? I obviously had no way of knowing. And like I said early on, I’m a believer, but still the questions persisted.

And that, I think is where the brief inclusion of James Cameron worked it charms. It gave this doc a feeling of legitimacy. The rationale being that Cameron wouldn’t put his face and name on something that was bunk. So for the common folk like myself, it was a big plus.

This doc’s piece de resistance which is teased at the beginning and not revealed for about an hour and fifty minutes is a small gold artifact/etching/carving that is a mere bauble without the perspective that only Jacobovici brings. It really it comes to life (literally, with the help of some excellent 3d imagery) once he shows us what he sees.

Overall, if you’re into things historical, this was a fascinating special that made many controversial theories, but backed them up with evidence to support it’s claims. In Cameron’s introduction, he tells us that Jacobovici has been working on this for over 10 years. It was a daunting task at which he excelled, leaving us with no lingering doubts, save for the question of the existence/location of the Ark of the Covenant.

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for July 27th

2009-07-27T21:36:00.001-07:00

Today’s Jeopardy Clue of the Day:

The $600 clue from the Jeopardy round category “HIGH” ANXIETY

“IT’S THE SPORTING EVENT YOU’RE COMPETING IN IF YOU PERFORM THE FOSBURY FLOP”

Answer:

“WHAT IS THE HIGH JUMP”

I just like this one because “Fosbury Flop” sounds dirty, like a Rusty Trombone or a Dirty Sanchez. And during the Teen Tournament no less!

- Lenny

Lenny Vs. Boob Power

2009-07-27T18:35:00.001-07:00

Welcome to my newest series “Lenny Vs.” I even made a logo. You like?

I come across many articles that I have issues with. Or, maybe “have issues with” isn’t quite right, I mean, yes, some I may have issues with, while others I have questions about, and still others I simply want to comment on and/or add my own insight.

The titles of each post of this series will be “Lenny Vs.” and then the article title.

As you can see, for my first outing I take on “Boob Power”, an article at Nerve.com by Bianca Merbaum (read it for yourself here). Being a lover of all things mammary, it seemed a natural choice to kick off this column.

In the article Bianca experiments to see if flaunting her impressive assets (quantified below) will get her things. Um, yes, yes it will. In spades. Without having to ask. And more than you asked for if you did ask.

“The last time I checked my size I was a 36DD, but according to my bra fitter, Chauntelle, I was a 30F.”

Bianca, you ~~hard me at~~ had me at, had me at, you had me at 36DD, but good lord…30F?!??!! How you doin’?

On a side note, I have a new personal hero and her name is Chauntelle. A great human being who has found a way to get paid to do something that I would do for free.

Is it possible to will a job to somebody? I mean I know with royalty when the King dies, his son the Prince steps up. But it is possible that if Chauntelle were to meet an untimely demise, she could deed her position as bra fitter to, oh I don’t know, maybe someone that considers her a personal hero? Anyway…

Bianca goes on to write:

“Hot damn! I thought, admiring my protruding cleavage. For the first time, my breasts were…looking instead like balls of plump, peach-colored cushion. There was something incredibly appealing about the supple curves of my chest, the soft bounce of them when I moved and the subtle crease in the middle.”

Excuse me, I think I need a minute…

…

…(baseball stats)…

…

…(Rosie O’Donnell)…

…

…(starving kids in Africa)…

…

…(Paris Hilton).

Okay I’m good.

I think Bianca’s sweet. A sweet large breasted naive little thing. Naive because any woman that would wonder, let alone not know unequivocally that boobs make the world go ‘round must have lived a sheltered life.

Given her last name and the fact that she uses “shvitzing” in the article, I’m guessing she just recently escaped the Orthodoxy and is experiencing her own Jewish form of Rumspringa.

What’s more, she doesn’t even really test the theory out. Her first experiment was trying to see if men would sign a petition to save bananas for the monkeys. Sweetie, with the right amount of cleave, a straight guy would sign a petition claiming his mother was a whore.

As for her second experiment, where she sees how many free drinks she can get:

“…gone to a bar flaunting my cleavage…”

And:

“…I brought a friend of mine whose boobs, next to mine, looked like corn kernels.”

She says that she meets a guy outside that “eye-fucks” her (a Jewish girl with F-cups and a mouth like a sailor – I suddenly have this overwhelming urge to belt out a rendition of Hava Nagila while dancing the Hora) and continues to ply her with $14 drinks all night. While her friend, she says, only gets one free drink from a gay guy.

As a result she claims her experiment a success. I say at best it’s incomplete. You see, as any guy will tell you, even those like me who prefer breasts of the “bigger is better” variety (so long as they’re natural), it’s not the size of the breast that matters, it’s the willingness of the girl to let me touch them. I’m more willing to chat up a lady with smaller breasts if I think I have a chance at meeting them, than a blessed girl with whose breasts I shall never be acquainted.

So you see, we were given no indication as to how her friend with the “corn kernels” was dressed or behaving, whereas Bianca’s own admission that she was flaunting her cleavage would lead most guys to believe that she was down to fuck. Unless of course she was of the much maligned cocktease variety of woman. Plus the fact that Bianca wouldn’t have shot any guy down that night, if only for the sake of the experiment. So therefore again, experiment incomplete.

If there was one bright spot that came out of the article/experiment, it is this:

“For me, it was an empowering epiphany, and removed any lingering thoughts I had of getting breast-reduction surgery.”

If this article had ended with her getting the surgery, or even still considering it, I very well may have cried. Five feet tall with F-cups is a-okay in my book!

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for July 25th

2009-07-25T21:02:00.001-07:00

Today’s Jeopardy Clue of the Day:

The $800 clue from the Jeopardy round category HODGEPODGE

“IN “THE SEVEN-PER-CENT SOLUTION”, THIS LITERARY CHARACTER IS TREATED BY SIGMUND FREUD FOR DRUG ADDICTION”

Answer:

“WHO IS SHERLOCK HOLMES?”

Dude, Sherlock M. Holmes! Know what the “M.” stands for? Motherfucken, as in SHERLOCK MOTHERFUCKEN HOLMES!!! Guy Ritchie’s flick is gonna kick so much ass! It’s easily my most anticipated movie of the year. Robert Downey Jr. as Holmes?! Perfect. Plus Jude Law as Watson is icing on the cake!

Bonus Jeopardy Clue of the Day:

The $600 clue from the Jeopardy round category TIME TO “BEG” FOR IT

“TO MISLEAD BY TRICKERY OR FLATTERY”

Answer:

“WHAT IS TO BEGUILE?”

I know, I know, nothing too outstanding about this clue per se, but I’m a fan of the word “trickery” and the images it conjures up. Trickery! I will beguile you with my trickery! Are you beguiled yet?

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day for July 24th

2009-07-24T23:41:00.000-07:00

First I'd just like to point out that it was announced on today's show, that this was the last show of their 25th season. Figures, two days after I create a new column based around the show, it goes on hiatus. Terrific. Anyway, I assume they'll be showing re-runs, I guess I'll Clue of the Day those until I hit a repeat.

Today's Jeopardy Clue of the Day:

The $400 clue from the Double Jeopardy round category MARTIAL

"THIS MARTIAL ART MEANING "SUPREME ULTIMATE FIST" USES SLOW MOVEMENTS THAT HARMONIZE WITH BREATHING"

Answer:

"WHAT IS THAI CHI?"

Wow. Am I the only one that was super stoked at hearing "Supreme Ultimate Fist", only to be supremely ultimately let down upon finding out it was referring to Thai Chi?

- Lenny

Jeopardy Clue of the Day (Inaugural Post)

2009-07-23T23:38:00.000-07:00

I've been watching Jeopardy on and off for many years, but it wasn't until recently that I started recording it and watching it daily.

With my current case of Jeopardy immersion, I thought it would be fun to share my favorite clue of each given days broadcast.

Today's clue is what inspired me to create this new on-going series for the site.

So without any further ado...

Today's Jeopardy Clue of the Day:

The $200 clue from the Jeopardy round category KILLED BY DEATH

"AROUND 207 B.C. THE GREEK STOIC PHILOSOPHER CHRYSIPPUS DIED THIS WAY WHILE WATCHING A DRUNK DONKEY EAT FIGS"

Answer:

"WHAT IS LAUGHING?"

I'm just so unbelievably excited that I get to have this clue be the one that kicks off this series.

I mean really, it has everything - death, laughter, Greeks Philosophers, drunk donkeys, and even figs! What more could anyone ask for?

- Lenny

Summer Lovin'

2009-07-23T04:56:00.000-07:00

I am one of the lucky few people who is privileged with proximity.

In this case, it is my proximity to a movie theatre (4 actually) showing (500) Days of Summer, which is currently in limited release.

I've read a lot of internet reviews calling this one of the best of 2009. And it is…

But that just isn't enough.

Normally, when asked what I thought of a movie, I stay in shades of gray. For example, if asked about a movie I enjoyed I'll generally elicit a response along these lines. "I liked it, it was good" (Public Enemies), or even "I really liked it a lot, it was great, you should watch it" (JJ Abrams Star Trek). When pressed for a response to a movie I didn't enjoy, I'll typically answer "Nah, I didn't like it, but I don't know, you might" (Drag Me To Hell), or perhaps "Eh, it was pretty stupid" (Transformers 2), or even "That shit sucked! It was fucken terrible!! Save your money." (Max Payne).

I feel that with film, there aren't too many opportunities to stray into the black and white territory, into the Love It or Hate It realm. Plus love and hate are two extremely powerful emotions that most folks are wise enough not to throw around too loosely. Also there's the simple fact that most films tend to fall somewhere in the middle, into that aforementioned gray area.

Rarely are we burdened by a movie that bludgeons our intellect, a movie that's an insult to the very art form that gave it life. The last movie that I truly hated was The Happening, which ironically enough, also starred Zooey Deschanel.

But sadly, on the flip side of that coin, we are likewise rarely treated to such delights, cinematic or otherwise that they are to become a reference point for the rest of our lives, a thing we judge all others against.

Well my friends, today I've gained a new reference point. (500) Days of Summer just so happens to be one of these delights. It's the kind of film that makes you think you must have done something right in your life to have been fortunate enough to discover it.

"It's official...I'm in love with Summer." I loved (500) Days of Summer. It is one of my new favorite movies, deservedly joining the ranks of Stranger Than Fiction and Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang.

It's clever and imaginative, and charming as all hell.

This wonderful film is all things at all times, witty and heartbreaking, sensible and intoxicating. It's whimsical and it's brutally honest. It's is an adult film that can also be quite silly.

But above all else, this film is precious. You want to sing it's praises from the rooftops.

Seeing this film, you feel like you've just experienced this little slice of perfection. It's like you're in on this huge secret that nobody else knows. In many ways, my feelings for this film equal the feelings Tom (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) had for Summer (Zooey Deschanel) the first time he saw her. I had just beheld something incredibly special. It makes your heart flitter.

I've been infatuated with Zooey ever since Elf. And I've been a supporter of Joseph's since having seen him in Brick, with my opinion only being all the more solidified by his role in The Lookout. I simply wanted to preface my saying that the casting here is beyond spectacular, and I dare anyone to point out an actor that would have been better suited to play either of these roles.

This story is told from Tom's perspective, but there is so much more to it than a story about "the one that got away". If we're being sticklers, it's really more "the one" getting away. That being said though, Zooey is more than just "the one that got away" nor is she mere eye candy, despite being heavily qualified (i.e. she's purty). I mean to say, she's no one dimensional character and though we can't quite figure her out, it's not for lack of character development. On the contrary, it's due to how well Summer is fleshed out that while we aren't figuring her out, we know exactly why it is that we can't. Summer's parents divorce in her early years damaged her emotionally, and so she's built up these walls so that she can never be hurt again.

Zooey brings a tenderness to this role that makes Summer accessible and when she in turn bestows some hurt of her own on Tom, it's that tenderness that keeps us from hating her.

Joseph's affability is what compels us to continue to root for Tom even when he doesn't act in ways deserving of our support. That and the fact that we've all been where he's at. We've all been so crazy about another person that we couldn't see straight, let alone think straight or act rationally.

Things here aren't neat and tidy, because life and relationships aren't neat and tidy.

If it isn't obvious, for me, personally, this film is highly relatable in it's entirety. But two specific instances especially ring true. First, this quote:

"People don't realize this but loneliness…it's underrated."

Loneliness I feel is a high perch from where you can sit and observe. It allows you to learn and to figure things out that you might not have otherwise. If you truly embrace loneliness, then you don't jump at the first opportunity to come along, simply because it's knocking. You figure out the things that you want and the things that you would refuse to put up with. Until of course…

"There's no such thing as love. It's a fantasy. What exactly is it I'm missing?"

"You'll know it when you feel it."

I've only had one real relationship. It lasted a little over a year and a half, and while I said that word many a time, I can now honestly say, looking back, that I never felt it.

This is where that "until of course…" comes into play. Because many years later I was introduced to someone, and my reaction to her was near identical to Tom's when Summer first walks in. I was mesmerized. Everything I thought I had learned and figured out while sitting on my perch of loneliness was thrown out the window. Unfortunately, my story doesn't have an ending, or really even a beginning (yet). I just needed to say that I felt it, and I knew it when I did.

Lastly, I want to thank the filmmakers for, on top of everything else, showing us a Downtown L.A. that I think few people ever really get to see. This is coming from a (practically) native Angelino. I've seen plenty of Downtown, and believe me, you don't want to see my version of it. The Downtown of (500) Days of Summer is so lovingly depicted that at first I thought it was set in an Allen-esque New York. But it's not. You see that skyline? My newest favorite movie is set in my city. (500) Days of Summer…in L.A.

Despite all I've written here, it's movies like these that I'm most hesitant to write about because I know that my words won't do it any justice. I want people to see this film so they can be in on the secret with me.

It doesn't happen often, but sometimes all the stars align, and when they do, we're blessed with true gems like (500) Days of Summer. If it's playing near you, do yourself a favor and go see it, and if it's not playing near you, make the drive.

As a final parting thought, I leave you with this pearl of wisdom – "penis"

- Lenny

Contest Time

2009-07-20T09:12:00.000-07:00

Okay, so what better way to kick off the launch of my bright shiny blog than with a bright shiny contest? Winner gets a [picture of a] bright shiny penny! Promise.

The winner will be the first person who correctly points out my subtle tip of the hat to the Roots, which is strategically placed somewhere within the pages here at APFL.

To be eligible you will need to provide us with the what and the where, in the comments below.

*Please note: the above mention of the Roots in this very post is. not. it.

Yay, bright shiny penny-ish!

Good Luck.

- Lenny

Remembering Walter Cronkite

2009-07-18T02:01:00.000-07:00

I am a man just shy of 31 years, the Walter Cronkite era was before my time.

As such, my words will be scant and I instead urge you all to view the videos available here. There will be a retrospective on CBS this Sunday (7/19/09) at 7:00pm.

I did not know the man that was the legend, though I think we all know the legend that was the man.

The one word that both man and legend are most synonymous with - integrity.

It is a word that doesn't come up too often when discussing our modern day journalists.

We look to the news to be informed, to be educated, to be taught.

As with all teachers, we put our trust in these journalists.

Few people have earned the level of trust, or have been able to live up to that trust in the way that Walter Cronkite had.

He did not editorialize, he just gave it to us straight.

Walter was America's teacher.

He has been sorely missed as a part of the world of journalism since his retirement in 1981.

Now, he will simply be sorely missed as a part of the world.

Walter Cronkite, November 4, 1916 - July 17, 2009

"And that's the way it is."

Eternal damnation is in my future

2009-07-17T15:02:00.000-07:00

Yeah, at this point, it's pretty much a done deal. ED (eternal damnation, not erectile dysfunction) is awaiting me. Actually, with my super-awesome-don't-get-jealous-now-luck, I can probably look forward to both. Anywho...

I was watching a show last night (the night before last?), no yeah, the night before last, and during a commercial break, there was a tease for that evenings local news. It was my involuntary utterance that sealed my fate.

They showed a picture of a busted up small Cessna type aircraft, paired with this voiceover by the anchor:

"Plane crashes killing all on board. What brought it down? Find out at 11."

"Uh, gravity."

- Lenny

Reader Poll

2009-07-16T18:13:00.000-07:00

Now that I own "But Here's The Thing" should I abandon "A Penny For Lenny" in favor of it?

Not that what you all say is final, but I would take it under advisement.

Feel free to comment below.

Anyone that suggests I instead create a new blog entitled "But Here's A Penny For Lenny" will be sharply reprimanded.

Thanks.

- Lenny

Definition of a Blog...

2009-07-16T15:15:00.000-07:00

...Courtesy of CBS's NCIS, or to be more accurate, courtesy of a rerun of it on USA.

A Co-Ed explains to Agent Gibbs (Mark Harmon) what a blog is, in this exchange from a 2006 episode entitled "Twisted Sister":

Co-Ed: ...she trashed me in her blog.
Gibbs (perpelexed): Blog?
Co-Ed: Yeah.
Gibbs (no less perplexed): What's a blog?
Co-Ed: It's a, b-blog, you know.
Gibbs (very matter-of-factly): No, I don't know.
Co-Ed: It's s-something losers put online so that everyone can read...

So there you have it.

-Lenny (the loser)

**And no, I don't watch NCIS, I'm not that cool. It just happened to be playing in the background as I was blogging of all things.

We're a Brooklyn Baaaaand!

2009-07-16T03:00:00.000-07:00

Okay, so, it seems I'm a little late to the party that is IFC's Z Rock. I blame it on the guy driving the pedicab I took who looked an awful lot like Twisted Sister's Dee Snider. At any rate, in the case of this quirky and offbeat gem, it's better late than never.

Intro

I knew nothing about this show going in. I saw an ad ahead of the trailers of movie I went to see. I thought it was funny, went home and added it to my DVR. Sometimes it really is that simple. After having watched a few episodes, I started looking for info in this show. Especially after the end of episode tags advertising Z02's most recent album (Casino Logic) being in stores. 'Hold on a sec' I thought, 'these guys actually have an album out'??!

Well, let me just say, Google is no friend of Z Rock. Or at least no friend of Z Rock the TV show, having brought listing upon listing of Z Rock radio station affiliate websites. Okay, no problem, how about Entertainment Weekly. Sorry, no dice, zero results. Ain't It Cool News? Success! Yes? Success? No! 5 listings...all having to do with DVD release dates and/or premiere dates.

Picking up bits and pieces here and there, mainly from IFC's own televised promos, and a two sentence IMDB plot summary written by "anonymous", this is what I was able to gather and believe to be fact about the story behind the show:

Paulie Zablidowski, his brother David, and their life long friend Joey Cassata are in a New York (presumably Brooklyn) rock band named Z02. Now they play themselves in a show somewhat about themselves.

That my friends is all I can say I know to be true.

Upon Further Digging

As for the yin to Z02's yang, the Z Brothers, I don't know for a fact that this second band existed prior to the show. I believe there probably was/is a second, tamer band these three were/are a part of, but were they named Z Brothers prior to the show, and did they only play young childrens parties? Did they also play Bar/Bat Mitzvahs? How about Proms? All valid questions left to be answered by someone with some true journalistic clout, i.e. someone whose readership reaches at least into the double digits. Not that it will help any, but here's the show summary from IFC's official Z Rock site:

"Rock band by night. Kids band by day.

Z ROCK is a comedy series that follows three friends leading a double life: by night they're a hard-partying rock band and by day they're a kids party band. Z ROCK is (kinda) based on the true story of the band Z02 (brothers Paulie Z and David Z, and lifelong friend Joey Cassata) and gives a satirical look at the dark underbelly of the rock n' roll dream.

Paulie (vocals), David (bass guitar), and Joey (drums) are average, Brooklyn born-and-bred neighborhood guys doing what it takes to avoid menial jobs to pay the rent. By day, they re-invent themselves as Z Brothers: THE band to book in New York City - if you want your trust-fund five-year-old to be the envy of every blue blood in school."

Kinda? Kinda! "Z Rock is (kinda) based on the true story of the band Z02..." Well gee, thanks a lot, that clears everything up. I mean, I don't know, I've only been watching the episodes on IFC, maybe there's a documentary on the season 1 DVD that expalins it all.

A Heady Comparison

But regardless, let me just say that the lack of media exposure is a bit of a head scratcher. Z Rock could easily be compared to Entourage, another show of which I'm a fan. Imagine Z Rock as Entourage, but before the boys went off to Hollywood. Not like last season's New York set finale, where Vince was already famous, but imagine it as if Vince was maybe still taking acting classes, and had maybe only landed a few national commercials before getting the lead in Head On and moving to L.A. That's the best comparison I can think of for people not versed in Z (however it requires they be versed in V E D & T).

Okay, it seems I may have gotten a bit ahead of myself. I hope I haven't lost any of you along the way. Let me get down to the basics.

The Rundown

Z Rock focuses on the members of the rock band Z02, two Jews and an Italian (make up your own punchlines), the (biological) brothers Paulie (guitar and lead vocals), & David (bass), and their life long friend Joey (drums). To make ends meet until their big break comes, they play kids parties as their alter ego The Z Brothers. Z Brothers by day, Z02 by night, see what I meant about the whole yin/yang?

They are of course helped along the way on their journey to stardom. Most notably by their tenacious and dogged manager Dina, played by the fiery Lynne Koplitz. Joing them is Neil (Jay Oakerson), a small time club owner and would-be suitor to Paulie (would-be if only Paulie wouldn't keep rejecting his advances). Also along for the ride is a laudry list of eclectic greats from the music (anyone from Dee Snider to Dave Navarro to John Popper to Daryl Hall) and comedy worlds, with comedians some playing themselves and others in character, many in recurring roles, among them, Joan Rivers, Gilbert Gottfried, Jim Norton, Patrice O'Neal, Dave Attell, Greg Giraldo, Jeffrey Ross, basically anyone that had ever appeared on Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn. Worth nothing, Koplitz and Oakerson both began their careers as stand-ups.

They All Play A Role

Paulie's the soul of the show and the band, and the level head, the equivilant of Entourage's E. David is the ladies man, the player, the Vince of the show. Joey, well, Joey's the short fuse and the eccentric, the guy who has to have things a certain way, our very own Johnny Drama. Dina is the manager who will fuck, or fuck over just about anyone to help her boys get ahead. She easily gives Ari a run for his money as TV's biggest prick. And finally, a Turtle by any other name would be called Neil, however Turtle is far more intrinsic to the Entourage story than Neil is to Z Rock.

Neil is by far the weakest and most forced of the characters. The unneeded comic relief, throwing out dick jokes for a funny, though cheap, laugh. I say unneeded because the four leads (I'm counting Dina here) are just so damn comedicly strong. Three of my personal favorite bits are Paulie's imagined imitation of Gilbert Gottfried's son, Paulie's Kramer (from Seinfeld) impression, fabled enterance & all, and Joey's man crush on wrestler Chris Jericho.

Why It's So Damn Great

I want to stop for a minute because I don't feel I'm doing the show justice in my summation, and really words just can't. It's a show you have to watch and watch not once. And no, it isn't in the least bit a ripoff of Entourage, though the parallels are unquestionably there.

What works best is that there's such a refreshingly natural chemistry amongst our three leads. You feel it's a shear consequence of their personal history, and could never have been pulled off otherwise. Again, I don't know how scripted this "semi-scripted" series is. Obviously they didn't randomly happen upon Frank Stallone's van for sale, but if even a quarter of the dialogue is written, those writers have many prosperous years ahead of them in this industry. Because it's the dialogue more than anything else that endears these characters to us. And their interplay with each other is again (for lack of a more fitting word) natural and symbiotic. Rarely has the phrase "the sum of the parts is greater than the whole" been more appropriate.

But we can't ignore Koplitz here, she simultaneously exudes both attraction and replusion in such a way that, while I'm sure I want to put things inside of her, I'm not sure what things those are, nor where I want to put them. A vile and tasteless sentiment no doubt, but one that I'm sure would make, if not the actress, then at least the character, blush.

Because that's what kind of show this is.

There's sex. There's language. There's nudity. And there's a whole hell of a lot of Rock 'n Roll.

And lest I forget the show's biggest star, there's the city. This show is unapologetically New York. It's Allen-esque (as in Woody) in it's love affair with the city. Another parallel to Entourage's love affair with Los Angeles. I'm no New Yorker, but this show makes me wish I was. I actually googled Hill Country after a recent episode, just to see if the place was real.

And if that doesn't do enough to explain this show to you, maybe this will:

The above being my favorite activity excerpt from the downloadable Z Rock Activity Book. Just like that other prolific New York favorite, The Wu-Tang Clan, Z Rock is for the babies!

Watch it now. Thank me later.

- Lenny

What did I think of Public Enemies?

2009-07-14T08:44:00.000-07:00

Okay, short answer, I liked it and recommend it. The casting and performances are spot on from top to bottom. Johnny Depp and Christian Bale are in top form as is to be expected. Equally great is the wholly underrated (in my opinion) Billy Crudup, in the too brief role of J. Edgar Hoover. However, I feel the real standout of the, let's call them second tier of actors, was Stephen Graham as the unhinged Babyface Nelson. Graham is probably most famous to audiences as Jason Statham's right hand man Tommy, in Guy Ritchie's Snatch. All that being said though, I'm a Michael Mann fanboy, so he can rarely do wrong by me, and yes, that was the short answer.

Long answer, well, first off, this isn't a "summer" movie and would have been better served opening in the fall. By that, I mean that despite a Mann signature shootout a la Heat, this isn't a popcorn movie. It's performance driven, not efx/explosion driven as is the case with 90% of mainstream summer movies. As such, the decision to release it during these summer months, I feel does it a disservice, and I suspect that it will get a limited re-release come December. I don't feel that the majority of summer movie audiences have the attention required to fully appreciate this film. Which brings me to my next point.

I bought the book by Bryan Burrough that the movie is based on when it first came out four or five years ago. I got about 220-250 pages into it, which is about a 3rd of the way through and had to stop because there was just too much information to absorb. The incestuous nature of these depression era crooks made it difficult to follow if you're not reading it daily. I vowed to start over with a pen and pad so I could take notes. I haven't done that yet, but I fully intend to, as it's a fascinating read.

As a result, in my opinion, it should have been an HBO miniseries as was originally intended. With that much information available, the movie, while great, just didn't do justice to book. The movie could have more fittingly been titled "The John Dillinger Story," or simply "Public Enemy," singular. I mean, just take a look at that poster above, it's of the lone and solitary figure, John Dillinger and no others.

So, if you're a fan of any of the actors I've mentioned, go see it. If you're a fan of true crime stories, go see it. If you're a fan of Mann, you won't be disappointed, so go see it. However, if you're in the mood for a true "summer" popcorn movie, go see Transformers 2, but only if you're not prone to seizures, or movies with discernible plots.

- Lenny

My blogging background and my intentions for APFL

2009-07-13T10:26:00.000-07:00

My first real blog was my now defunct site godspunchline.com (today: an erectile dysfunction medication destination). I fully intend to re-post some of those articles here on APFL...if I can find them.

Godspunchline was great in that it gave me an opportunity to write, which I love doing (but can't get anyone to pay for doing it). The problem was that, despite an overwhelmingly loyal readership of three, I often times treated it like a puppy that had outgrown it's cuteness. Abandoning it for months on end with no literary nourishment. I believe my main obstacle in being a more attentive blogger was the fact that I had set up the website using Microsoft's Front Page. I know nothing of HTMLing or CSSing or PHPing. I'm a one-trick pony, I just know how to write, but Front Page wasn't the right stable for my one trick (talk about sticking with a metaphor!).

Anyway, as any non-maliciously neglectful owner would do, I gave godspunchline away to people that would take better care of it, in this case, the penis pill industry.

And so, I languished in the real world with thoughts and ideas, but no outlet for them. Then one day my brother started a website.

Behindthehype.com became the new cyberhome to my wit and insight. What I didn't know at the time was how temporary a home it would be. More of a by-the-hour motel than a home really, and as such, I left soon after arriving, at a time I felt was appropriate for me. I posted under the name "Lenny," and some of my real gems still reside on that site, including my vivisection of Sarah Palin following the Vice Presidential debate back in October.

Though if you do check it out, the one sticking point I have is with a post attributed to me that was published well past my departure, the one about the "Top 19 Movie Titles". While all the words contained within are mine and I own up to them, and while for all intents and purposes the article was complete, or at least very near completion, the reason I never published it during my tenure was because I didn't really like it. I didn't feel it was my best work, an example of which is the aforementioned Palin article, nor did I feel it was my best premise, or execution of a premise. Both of which I feel are embodied in my "The Perfect Halloween Movie" article. So again, if you check out my writings at Behindthehype, I have officially disavowed the "Top 19 Movie Titles" article.

The difference in my content output between GP and BTH are particularly night and day. GP was a personal site and afforded me or some might say hindered me in the fact that I was it's lord and savior. What I did and wrote was law. Meaning if I wanted a 20 word post about the new pair of Pumas I just bought, there would be a 20 word post about the new Pumas.

BTH wasn't my site, if was/is my brother's and as such, no stupid personal shit, other than opinions of course. It was/is a pop culture centric site, and as such gave me a more specific vision with regards to my chosen topics. Also, since the purpose was to turn BTH into a money-making endeavor I strove to produce well thought out and many times thought provoking essays that might make people want to come back for more. I put time and effort in these articles thinking that people might actually read them and not wanting my writing to reflect poorly on my brother's venture. I think that it shows in my BTH content.

At BTH we published using Word Press. A hell of a lot easier than Front Page, but still no walk in the park. So when I left BTH, I wasn't compelled to start my own Word Press blog. Here I was, back to that old familiar.

Not too long ago, a friend of mine who was teaching as part of the Semester At Sea program directed me to his Blogger blog. I wasn't in the right mindset to have the necessary awakening until I happened upon a Huffing Post blogger by the name of Scott Mendelson who has a blogger site (Mendelson's Memos - my god, the alliteration is a thing of beauty), and it was at that point that it hit me to try setting up an account for myself.

And so I did.

And here we are.

This blog is going to be a hybrid of my two previous writing experiences, a mix of GP and BTH. Basically, this blog is just going to be a free for all of ideas, including personal anecdotes, with no particular theme, like GP, but less frivolous (my "Lenny's got a blog..." post notwithstanding) and (hopefully) more thoughtful, with a greater pop culture tinge, like BTH.

There were two on-going series/columns at BTH that I plan on continuing here at APFL. They were the "Guilty Pleasures or: IYDTYCEAD" a.k.a. "Guilty Pleasures or: If You Disagree, Then You Can Eat A Dick" series, and the "Oh Snap!" series, which never really got off the ground due to an article titling veto. But to be sure, my Little Miss Sunshine article is, at least in my mind, part of the "Oh Snap!" series.

Questions? Concerns? Comment below.

- Lenny

Addendum to "My name is Lenny, and these are my thoughts."

2009-07-12T15:12:00.000-07:00

During the course of writing my previous entry, "My name is Lenny, and these are my thoughts," I was driven to seek out the availability of four more possible titles for this blog.

Three of them were in direct relation to "heresthething" which I explained was in real world scenarios more likely to start out "But here's the thing", "So here's the thing", or "Well here's the thing".

The fourth title I sought was more of an afterthought and had to do with my re-branding this site (though not really) APFL.

And here they are, and in reverse chronological order:

APFL [Taken] (going by the title "a place for loneliness") this blog is blank - Someone please help me up as I've just been knocked down by irony. Do you not see it? The "A Place for Loneliness" blog is blank, empty. If this was intentional, this person is my new hero, but I fear few people are touched by the level of genius this would require. At any rate, this url would have been nice to have just as backup. Oh well.

wellheresthething [Taken] last post was on 4/27/07 - It's too bad this one has been abandoned, I would have loved to read the promised "the million dollar idea that was ours first and some enterprising jerkface who actually does things is making OUR money" entry, but it has yet to come to fruition. Another reason for my lament at this blogs desertion, the girl of the boy/girl writing team had this to say of her cousin : "he is the boy, therefore he will take the rabid-monkey-dog-child perspective". C'est la vie.

soheresthething [Taken] last post was on 6/26/06 - This one was written by an Iraq stationed soldier. Hopefully his three year long absence isn't a result of what all you morbid fucks are thinking.

butheresthething [Was Available/Now Taken] - Shock and awe, this one was actually available, and now it's mine. But how much do I actually like it? More than APFL? I don't know. What to do, what to do?

- Lenny

My name is Lenny, and these are my thoughts

2009-07-12T14:05:00.000-07:00

This being my very first entry (okay, so it's technically my second post, but the first one was a test more than anything else) on A Penny for Lenny I feel the need to get a little exposition out of the way...

If you haven't already figured it out, the title A Penny for Lenny is in reference to the saying "a penny for your thoughts". Well...my name is Lenny, and these are my thoughts.

That being said, I'm not in love with the title, and may very well end up changing it. So for now, consider it more of a place holder than anything else. I thought it might be fun to share the url's/blog titles I was considering prior to coining A Penny for Lenny, which will henceforth be referred to as APFL...

The following list is in reverse chronological order (meaning I just kept hitting the "back" button on my browser):
apennyforlenny [Was Available/Now Taken] - I'm utterly shocked that this one wasn't taken!
givemeapenny [Available] - I would have never actually used this one, but if it had been taken, using gimmeapenny would have been a bitch move.
gimmeapenny [Available] - Give who a penny? Me? Me as in Lenny? You want to give Lenny a penny? An actual penny for Lenny?
pennyforyourthoughts [Taken] (going by the title "oh what the hell...") last post was on 4/26/04- I didn't really want this one, but after pennyformythoughts was taken, I was curious.
pennyformythoughts [Taken] this blog is blank - This was the next logical step after mytwocents.
mytwocents [Taken] last post was on 3/4/01 - This title is cute, but a little ho-hum.
lennyslair [Taken] last post was on 9/30/06 - I was still desperately trying for some alliteration here, but no dice.
mindoflencia [Available] - I might have actually used this one if I thought more of the guy.
lennyslunchbox [Available] - Continuing my quest for alliteration, I still kinda like this one, but felt is was too reminiscent of the currently infamous Serious Lunch blog, which was behind the genius Conan O'Brien/Super Mario Bros. mashup.
lifeoflenny [Taken] this blog is blank - Alliterative? Yes. Catchy? Not so much.
lennyslaws [Available] - For some reason I came back to this one a second time. It still sounds good, but I just can't get past the douchyness of "laws", like my opinion is the end all and be all. Pssh, whatever.
moviemanifesto [Taken] last post was on 4/3/09 - This is probably the best title of the bunch, even though as I was typing "manifesto" I kept thinking unabomber.
iheartboobies [Taken] (going by the title "well...see...thats the thing...") this blog is blank - As it turns out, I do, in fact, heart boobies, and would have loved to have this one, but alas, twas not meant to be.
godspunchline [Taken] last post was on 8/31/06 - This title holds a special bit of nostalgia for me, as I used to own and write under the domain name WWW.GODSPUNCHLINE.COM. Fun fact: my old website is now a destination for erectile dysfunction medication purchases.
neverataloss [Taken] (going by the title "down in front!") this blog is blank - I'm generally quick with a quip, i.e. never at a loss, you know...for words. This would have been a natural fit.
whatnow [Taken] last post was on 8/13/05 - What now after not getting nowwhat?
nowwhat [Taken] last post was on 11/14/00 - I was momentarily stumped for a title, and after nobodycareswhatyouthink I thought now what?
nobodycareswhatyouthink [Taken] (going by the title "shut the fuck up") last post was on 11/17/04 - After nobodycares was taken I thought I'd get a little more specific, but someone already beat me to it. Of the few entries that I actually had the pleasure of reading from this long list of blogs, this one is by far my favorite. The guy is just articulate, almost poetic, in a way seldom seem in today's modern thinkers. A definite must read.
nobodycares [Taken] (going by the title "imaginewhatitistobeme") this blog is blank - I figured since nobody really cares what I think, why not be open about it.
laughingstock [Taken] last post was on 5/20/09 - I honestly don't even like this one, and I know would have never used it. As to why I bothered looking it, I couldn't tell you.
deepthoughts [Taken] (going by the title "musings of a part-time lunatic") last post was on 10/2/08 - Jack Handey's gonna be pisssssed!
lennyslaws [Available] - The first stop in my illustrious search for some alliteration.
afunnythinghappened [Taken] last post was on 6/30/04 - Due to my highly inflated opinion of my own sense of humor, I thought this title to be apropos.
heresthething [Taken] last post was on 6/14/04 - I, along with others, have observed that often times while arguing my point (i.e. telling someone else they're full of shit), I tend to lead off with these three simple yet highly effective words. Actually it's usually more along the lines of "but here's the thing," or "so here's the thing," or "well here's the thing". It can generally be taken as "golly, what a cute little opinion you have there, but now here's how it really is." What can I say, I'm a dick.
leonard [Taken] (going by the title "my links") last post was on 3/21/01 - I don't know what I would have called the blog itself, but after lenny was taken, it would have been kind of cool to have this one.
lenny [Taken] (going my the title "just a girl.") last post was on 3/30/01 - I wanted this one so bad. So bad. It would have been so awesome that the mere thought of the awesomeness was palpable. Don't know what I would have titled the blog itself though. And yeah, this particular Lenny is apparently a girl. Go figure.

So, there you have it, and welcome to APFL.

- Lenny

Lenny's got a blog...

2009-07-10T03:12:00.000-07:00

...can the end of days be that far off?

No it can not.

- Lenny